Now for something completely different...Oh! is for Orlando

I went to go see Kingdom of Heaven the other night with a couple of women from work. It had been awhile since I'd been to a giant multiplex for the purpose of seeing a hot guy on screen for 2+ hours. I think the last time was for Ripley Scott's other sword wielding epic, Gladiator. I still maintain that Russell Crowe is the hottest thing swinging two swords. But I digress...

My two conspirators were two ladies from work: Helen, who has a thing for men in chainmail, Shakesperian drama, and weaponry; and Heidi, who sends me pictures of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom during her lunch hour with subject lines that say "Something to Make You Smile:))". She agrees with me on the Gladiator fetish. Her ex-boyfriend once asked her, "What is it with that movie?" She said, "It's my porn." Need I say, I was in good company?

Now pride urges me to make it clear that normally I am the arthouse type. I like arty films that usually change your life or at least try. I am very tired of Hollywood flicks because they just don't take me anywhere anymore. I can't stop thinking, "Oh that's Leonardo DiCaprio in balck hair" or "Julia Roberts looks cute in that sweater." I'm never lost in the story that Hollywood seems to produce. But lately I'd been feeling a little too serious, you know? Kind of like that last few blog entries. I work very hard on myself and my art and everything goes toward that end of finding meaning and purpose. Sometimes you've got to just say the hell with it--I want to look at Orlando Bloom's "work" for awhile.

So we went out for tacos and margaritas before hand and blew off some steam. Then we walked across the street and pushed our way through the cast of Jedi knights and ewoks waiting for Star Wars Episode III, to find ourselves in the smallest theater in the biggest multiplex.

Five commercials for Coke, assorted candies, and cars later, the previews started. I love previews often more than seeing the movie itself, and none of them were that fun or interesting. I should have taken that as a sign for what was to come. I gotta tell you that the movie wasn't great. It took itself very very seriously, and therefor so did its star. That may have been its greatest weakness. Even Gladiator seemed to know what it was--an action/adventure flick infused by Grecian drama and cloaked with fantastical costumes. Kingdom of Heaven was long and drawn out and overstuffed with history, and besides that, Orland Bloom took off his shirt ONCE! Only once! The 'heated' romantic scenes were reduced to a kiss and a candle being blown out. Well, let me tell you that my flame was blown out at that moment. All reports that Bloom had worked out and buffed up for his role in Kingdom of Heaven, fell to one single moment of him putting on his tunic. Otherwise you'd never have known what his physique looked like in the one-size-fits-all shirts that were fashionalble in Jereusalem for that season. I had to resort to paying attention to his acting, which was adequate, but tepid. Apparently, his emotional range, as Dorothy Parker would say, goes from A to B.

The three of us left the theater agreeing that Orland needs to try a romantic comedy. The epic just isn't his thing. It really isn't for me either. I went home and called my boyfriend. He's much hotter anyway.