Right Now

I've been re-reading the letters of the poet Anne Sexton lately. I love letters by artists. I am already mourning all that won't be chronicled by the lack of post in this day and age. At first, it was a real inspiration to be reading this book. Anne Sexton is perhaps my greatest influence as a songwriter--her letters reminded me of what matters most--the dailiness of writing and staying connected. Then, like so many other times, I became discouraged by my block--or the loss I feel over my inability to write as I once did. That snake hissed in my ear again: Never again...you've lost it...horrible...horrible...
I began to consciously wonder why my mind turns against me so much. Have I been hurt that bad? Have I damaged the machinery so much that I can't process it or heal it? This is reality. It isn't a movie or a book. It's me living my life.

On Saturday, I was driving into San Francisco with my dear friend Kirstin. She was telling me about the two psychology classes she was taking. Since she recently quit her job to be a stay at home mom with her 6 month old son, I was blown away that she was also exploring another dream she had. I asked her if this meant she was going to grad school. Kristin then told me of an interview she had heard with Anne Lamott that day. Lamott was quoting another writer, akinnig writing to night driving. When we drive at night we can only see twenty feet in front of us, yet we make it home anyway. "That's how I am trying to look at it," Kirstin said. "I am not saying I am going to grad school--I'm not going to make broad pronouncements. I am just taking two courses. Then we'll see what's next."

I felt a huge truth drop into my heart. I'd heard about the night driving quote, but had never really grasped the depth of the metaphor--how you have a limited vision, but you make the journey anyway. I need to see this as my view too. Too often I need to make announcements about my life as a way to be okay: I a now a musician, I am going on tour, I am now an artist, I am going to do this, and that, etc. But here is the truth, here is the reality:

Right Now: I am working on a calendar.
Right Now: I am getting ready to move to New York.
Right Now: I pick up the guitar and play every day.
Right Now: I am in love with Graham and I am happy.

What is happening RIGHT NOW? Nothing more. Nothing less. I think that's all I need. Right now.