Anywhere USA

I came home last night on the verge of being grumpy. It was an interesting state to be in, to watch myself hover on the brink of being in a bad mood, but not quite be in a bad mood. The subway has been intense this week—very packed, very smelly, and very slow. I’m not sure quite what has created the change, but there’s more people this week, and it’s not as fun to ride in. Last night I had a guy give up his seat for me—or so I thought—until I sat down in a sticky smudge. I didn’t know what to do: leap up in disgust or sit there in a “I meant to do that” pose, and stay in it. I did the half-way thing. I sat at the lip of the seat, where the smudge was not so evident, and pretended not to notice people eyeing me. I came home to Graham, who greeted me with a huge smile and made me two quesadillas. It saved me from grumble city.

I think what also is contributing to my bad mood is that I’ve been having that feeling that I could be anywhere in the world, being closed up in an office environment. It’s been good to go back to work, to feel like a citizen, with a regular life, but I’m realizing that offices look and feel the same no matter where they are located. Once inside the building, people come in, with the same cups of Starbucks they would in Cincinnati, or Santa Cruz for that matter. Last night it dawned on me that I’ve been missing New York. I’ve been missing the New York I started out knowing. I missed walking and going into neighborhoods just for the heck of it. I missed the wildness of that exploration and the easiness of discovering an infamous town. The only thing I’d really been able to see and experience the last ten days was the long subway commute, the rush down the 1, 2, 3 path and the different people that crowd into the small spaces.

I also feel dirty a lot. I feel like showers don’t matter. I’m a clean letter going into a grimy envelope. The sticky bum aside, I feel covered by schmutz.

So today at the brilliant suggestion of Graham, we met for lunch on the upper west side. It’s helped A LOT. Today, it is gorgeous in Manhattan, in the 70’s, with pure blue skies, and puffs of clouds dotting the horizon. It’s one of those days where you look up at the buildings and the sky looks close enough to touch. We ate pizza on Amsterdam Ave., and then walked the neighborhood, admiring the gorgeous buildings and their ornate stonework of ivy and dragon heads. Ah, yes! It felt good to remember the world. I’ll be sure to also look out for sticky seats on my way home.