The Whole of Starting Over

Guess what folks? I LEAVE ON TOUR TOMORROW. All weekend, I’ve been getting ready. When I say ‘getting ready’ I mean I have been playing my fingers off, as if I am cramming for a test. My dad’s guitar arrived last Thursday, and I panicked at how soft my fingers had become, and how winded I feel. There are many reasons that have been filtering in my head why I cannot do this tour, and why I should just give up and go back to bed for the rest of my life. The last few days have been a good test for me in staying in the moment. I set out a practice routine of a half hour at a time, three times a day. I did this for three days. Yesterday I played for an hour straight and I will do it again today. In the meantime, I’ve also completed 2 songs that I have been sitting in the “Not good enough to finish” pile. I am playing 2 hours on Friday and I better get some more material. It’s amazing what can happen under pressure.

This is the reality: This is the first tour I have had in years. I never thought I would ever tour again. I never thought that I would ever write a song again, and I am not sure entirely how this has all happened, but it has. I am telling you this because we all think we are screwed on some level. The desire to be cool urges me to comment in a cavalier way that ‘oh, yes, I am going tour,’ as if it is the most natural thing in the world, as if I am a cool person, who is a musician, and isn’t that cool, and aren’t I just this amazing thing? The truth is, it’s a miracle that I am doing this. For years I have berated myself for falling off the horse, falling off the path of ‘a career.’ My path hasn’t looked like any of the other musicians that have ‘made it.’ I think there is an unspoken rule in the music world (that I have traveled in) to never show weakness, or show doubt in any messy way. The last few years I have been caught up in shame over my nose dive, but I know that it has been utterly necessary to my life.

I realized this weekend, while playing the guitar, that I have been avoiding the pain of starting over. I’ve been trying really hard to pick up where I left off (whatever that means), but that isn’t the reality. When you’re new to something, you have the faith of the unexperienced. There hasn’t been enough roughing up to get you to doubt. When you get up from a great fall, you carry the impact of that fall, and yet somehow, you must walk again. In ignoring the pain, I have also been ignoring the real joy I get from playing. Somewhere, there is that little glow that says ‘I love this.’ Graham told me once that when I get up on stage, something happens, the room notices. I feel that too. I feel a switch flicked on, a lightbulb inside is illuminated. These are the things that I must remember as I embark on something that carries with it a load of past experience—both good and bad.

I read somewhere a quote that says something along the lines of, if you’re expectations aren’t met, that’s because you haven’t broadened the scope of your vision. Indeed, there were many things that I hadn’t bargained on, and what my recent experience has taught me is that my scope doesn’t even come close to what life may unfold before me.

I’ve decided to dedicate my little tour, and every performance in it, to the spirit of yearning, to the spirit of hope in our experiences. We can’t kick ass all the time, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t learn something along the way—even if it’s years later. I’ll be writing from the road, and even posting some pictures. Come and see me if you can.

PS I saw Tommy Lee getting into a cab on 3rd Ave.! More celebs to come!