Drudgery and Daydreams
I'm not doing so good these days. I'm kinda depressed. I think it's because I spend 8 hours a day in a box with very little contact and very little to do. The bird in me has wings that are getting warped with the cramped quarters and the lack of use.
There are people who are better at these kinds of jobs because that's all they want. I can do the work, efficiently, and with skill, but I whither. This is problematic. I stop caring and I yearn and yearn and yearn as a plant must yearn for real sunlight under a lamp. There has got to be a better way. And I have come to New York to discover that elusive better way. There are people everywhere who are doing that better way--or so I am told. I certainly haven't figured it out yet.
One of my upset thoughts when I was in the throws of the Jealousy Bender was why did God show her (Miranda July) how to make a life entirely of her art and not me? The older I get the more I see how there are pieces of my development that are weak or entirely undeveloped. I don't know how to really build a foundation in order to live a life fully well. I can squeeze the "well lived" parts in for an hour or so in the morning and sometimes in the evening, but that huge bracket of time--the 8-6, the EVERYDAY is sucked up by drudgery and daydreams. I've been making this work, thinking SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN for 10 years. I've come to understand, thinking something will happen is different than believing something will happen.
I've been trying a new way to do affirmations lately. Affirmations have never really worked on me. I've never been able to get the hang of them. I always think "Yeah right..." after every uttered or read affirmation. I read a phrase in SARK'S Prosperity Pie last month that said something along the lines that we want changes in our money situations and our jobs, but we don't try anything new because we think it's hopeless. We need a new window to look through. I liked that phrase, so I wrote down in my journal: look through a new window. You can. Then I looked at it and crossed out "you can" and replaced it with "you are." Something clicked. Instead of saying "it is okay" to do something, I am saying "you are" doing something. It's more immediate and it makes me feel like I am right where I am supposed to be.
So today, in my little box, sad, and lonely I am writing I believe that something will happen and I am writing I am making something happen. and suddenly, I feel my wings have a bit more room, and I am doing just what I am supposed to be doing.
There are people who are better at these kinds of jobs because that's all they want. I can do the work, efficiently, and with skill, but I whither. This is problematic. I stop caring and I yearn and yearn and yearn as a plant must yearn for real sunlight under a lamp. There has got to be a better way. And I have come to New York to discover that elusive better way. There are people everywhere who are doing that better way--or so I am told. I certainly haven't figured it out yet.
One of my upset thoughts when I was in the throws of the Jealousy Bender was why did God show her (Miranda July) how to make a life entirely of her art and not me? The older I get the more I see how there are pieces of my development that are weak or entirely undeveloped. I don't know how to really build a foundation in order to live a life fully well. I can squeeze the "well lived" parts in for an hour or so in the morning and sometimes in the evening, but that huge bracket of time--the 8-6, the EVERYDAY is sucked up by drudgery and daydreams. I've been making this work, thinking SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN for 10 years. I've come to understand, thinking something will happen is different than believing something will happen.
I've been trying a new way to do affirmations lately. Affirmations have never really worked on me. I've never been able to get the hang of them. I always think "Yeah right..." after every uttered or read affirmation. I read a phrase in SARK'S Prosperity Pie last month that said something along the lines that we want changes in our money situations and our jobs, but we don't try anything new because we think it's hopeless. We need a new window to look through. I liked that phrase, so I wrote down in my journal: look through a new window. You can. Then I looked at it and crossed out "you can" and replaced it with "you are." Something clicked. Instead of saying "it is okay" to do something, I am saying "you are" doing something. It's more immediate and it makes me feel like I am right where I am supposed to be.
So today, in my little box, sad, and lonely I am writing I believe that something will happen and I am writing I am making something happen. and suddenly, I feel my wings have a bit more room, and I am doing just what I am supposed to be doing.
posted by Summer Pierre at
1:13 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Summer,
You and I are so different, yet I so much empathise with a lot of the stuff you go through. I am not really sure why. And the why doesn't matter.
9-5 (sounds a bit less daunting then 8-6) drudgery and daydreaming is so familiar to me. But even now that I have been released from this cage, free to fly wherever I want, my wings feel stuck still, unsure where to take me.
And reading your post today I realise that this is ok. I don't believe that I will fly somewhere someday. I am already flying. Just not so sure about the destination yet. And that's ok as long as I keep flying.
Thank you.
Kerstin
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