Jealousy Hangover

I'm not going to lie to you, I had a huge coniption fit of jealousy and despair yesterday. I feel its hangover today, and I am at that point where I am wondering what to do when I feel TOTALLY SCREWED. I know the rules of jealousy: use it as a map of where you want to go, there's room for everybody, etc. etc. I'm tired having to use the rules, I just want to feel good about myself and what I do.

I think I've been over-indulging on the internet. Sometimes that happens: too much input and not enough output. I was discovering all kinds of good things yesterday and then like every bender, it seems like a good idea at the time and then, well, you just GO TOO FAR. My breaking point happened when I reached Miranda July's web site and blog. She's everywhere right now thanks to her new movie, Me and You and Everyone We Know. I actually didn't like the movie that much (I know, I know--so many of you did). I went to her site because I realized she was co-founder of one of my favorite creative sites ever, Learning to Love You More. It's such a wonderful and fantastic idea. I want everyone to do something on it! Well, then I discovered that she not only has made a movie, but she's published a short novel, released 4 CDs on Kill Rock Stars (my favorite label), published short stories in the Paris Review, participated in an installation at the Whitney Museum, and basically is a creative genius, and rail thin, and very beautiful, all at the tender age of 31.

I went a little over the edge.

Here's the thing: I've been told so many times that I need to concentrate on ONE THING ONLY to be a success, and that message alone has really tripped me up a lot. I'm one of those people that is good at a number of things and feels equally about them all. So, I do feel incredibly inspired by July's example that you CAN do it all. Yet, that icky part of me looks at her example and spits out an ugly barriage of accusations: I've wasted time, I can't focus, I'm too mentally ill, I can't seem to accomplish ANYTHING, no there ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM, blah, blah, blah.

Of course, the only cure for this is work. Sit your ass down and do the work. I raced home last night and did 5 pages of art and writing. It was a good coniption fit, because it really inspired me to take to the trail. Today, I feel tender and sad and vulnerable, wounded by my own tyranny. I must remember that sometimes just because I feel something is true, doesn't mean it is. Just because I FEEL I haven't accomplished anything, doesn't mean that I haven't--it just means a button has been pushed, and the raging siren is blaring. The person at the driver's wheel needs to pull off to the right and just let it pass by.

[PS You know what really REALLY helped? Going to the Learning to Love You More Site--OMG, that place is inspiring! I know, I already linked it, but I had to link it again because I just LOVE IT!]