A thing I Didn't Question, or Hem and Haw About

These women were a sister act in the Vaudville Days. I'm unclear what exactly their act was--but their entire costumes were made of pearl. I love the absurd headresses and the heavy eye make-up of the day that made every woman look sad and soft.

I don't really have much to say today--it's monday and it feels like fall. I'm chewing on lots of ideas. This is the last week of this job assignment. I have no idea where I'll be next week. This makes me nervous, but it's all part of the deal. Kerstin had a great post about finding out what your life's purpose is. I'm thinking today about the obsticles that hold me back, the things that are keeping me from truly following my heart's desire. I'm baffled by it continuously. I'm baffled because I was always so clear, and now why is it so much harder?

I remember when I was 9 years old I went to a party with my aunt and uncle and cousins. Like everywhere else, I took out my pens and paper and drew a picture--some scene with people. It caused a stir among the adults: My! You are a good drawer! This was nothing new. I gave the host my picture when I was done and she took it gladly, but before I left she said, "Please don't ever stop drawing. I used to beable to sing, but I stopped and now I can't do it so well anymore. So don't YOU ever stop." I didn't get it at the time. Why would I ever stop drawing? I was 9 and she was a lady. Adults had their own reality, why did they always have to press it upon me?

And now I think about that lady, living in the suburbs of San Diego--her name I don't remember--and my stomach does a lurch. I never stopped drawing, but I stopped believing that I could do it the way you breathe or eat or sleep. It has taken on another meaning, just as I am sure singing for this woman had taken on another meaning. She probably wasn't even that old. My aunt and uncle were in their 30's, so I imagine she was too. I won't ever stop drawing or singing or writing, but the trick I am learning--perhaps that we are all learning as we age--is to try to conjur up what it is to be a beginner again, where time and meaning have no meaning. At most, it was just fun, a thing I didn't question or hem and haw about. The question isn't how to get get back to that, but HOW TO GET THAT BACK.