A New View

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Yesterday, I had an interview for a job at Columbia University in the African American Studies department. While interviewing with the director, he asked me,"How do you see this job helping you to be where you want to be in the next five years?" Part of what I answered was like a little dance that you do for interviews, but part of it was a naked truth. I told him art was ultimately what my passion was. Administrative work is not my passion in the slightest, but I have experience in that area, and I am good at it, so why not do it a place that you can derive meaning from? His immediate response was, "I am a firm believer that no one has to work at anything that doesn't give meaning to his life." This is a man who I came to believe during our half hour meeting that has an ideal life. He not only does the work that he derives the most meaning from, but as a result is filled with love and respect for people's lives and culture. He is a man of both power--power to do what he most wants to do in this world and of service--service to his community and to the world.

Regardless, if I get the job or not, I felt I was in the presence of a great teacher and a person of example. I went home with some of his light glowing in me. More and more, I feel that if we do not do the thing we are most wanting to do or called to do, we are leaching the world of resource and not giving back to it.

I've been struggling with this subject, in one way or another, my whole life--how to make a life I love, not just from 5am to 8am and 5pm to 10pm, but all day, every day. I was taught early on that my art was great, but it wasn't "real work." This was also coupled by the belief system that it was selfish or unattractive to want anything.

In my twenties, I just assumed I would never be an artist full-time--that was an artist's plight in life. You have your day job, and then the rest is up to you. The people who were doing art full-time were "lucky" or beyond my talent range or were freaks of nature. I never believed that perhaps I could be that lucky, or have that much talent, or be one of the "freaks." So I never learned how to believe and build anything. I've gone from job to job, always doing art on the side. And because the job wasn't my "true work" and because I was also taught that it was selfish to have any money, I've always worked at poor-paying jobs. So, I have been spending my life undernourished. I think I need a new set of glasses to see a different perspective. I want to maybe think that what is emerging here in New York, is perhaps not just a new city to live in, but a new way of life.

And what if, suddenly, this one way I know how to make a living, vanished? What if I couldn't do administrative work ever again? Then what?

I was upset this morning, because the temp job way of making money has dried up considerably and I was scared. When Graham suggested playing music in the subway, I got hysterical. I said, "I don't want to do it! It's a step up from begging! It's scary! It's COLD!" I should have just said, "I'm AFRAID I'm AFRAID I'm AFRAID." I don't know about you, but I seem to have the knack for avoiding the BEST THING I could possibly do. When he left, I did yoga and then looked at the guitar. Suddenly, I remembered the feeling of walking in New York with the guitar last week--how I felt strong and more myself than ever. And wouldn't you know it--the minute I decided to pack up the guitar, I got this electric feeling all over my body. I am DOING IT.

After I finish typing this, I am heading down into the subway. I am putting on a new pair of glasses and I am going to do something that has meaning for me, that I am good at, and that yes, might lead me towards a new way of seeing.