Temple of Doom
I've been avoiding writing in here, because some developments have taken place on my trip that are just too painful for me to write about. I am still in San Diego and still have no idea where I'll be next week, and so goes the nature of this trip, which is unfolding in a way that not only I didn't expect, but that I am having to recover from.
If I am being vague, please forgive. I was thinking about writing in here all day, but this is when the nature of the blog gets funny--not in a ha-ha sort of way, but in a this-may-or-may-not-be the place sort of way. Also, I am embarrassed by how bad I feel right now, how sad and devastated, when no one has died. I make a point to write in here about arty stuff, funny stuff, and usually I can be glib or sarcastic about the bad parts (sometimes not). Today, I am so demolished that I can't see any silver lining or "plan" or lemonade through these lemons. I can't see a lesson. I feel shocked, screwed over, and shafted.
It isn't just that this trip is not remotely what I planned it to be, it's that it seems that it has been specifically designed to demolish me, to bring up my most deepest wounds, and beliefs in my life, in how I function and fit (or don't fit) with my family. It isn't just a disappointment, it has become a MAJOR BLOW and you know what? I don't FREAKN'NEED IT!
When you're feeling this bad, it's easy to shut out the person RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, holding you, telling you that you are important and are loved. And last night I found myself blocking out Graham, because I was so focused on the people who weren't there. It was a moment of absolute grace that I could turn to him and take in his support. I have a great partner, folks, and he and his family have been a life saver to me the last couple of days. Also, it's pretty hard to not feel lifted by a baby smiling and happy to see you upon entering a room. Graham's niece, Lauren, is like the sweetest salve. As always, you pick up the found money and keep going.
If I am being vague, please forgive. I was thinking about writing in here all day, but this is when the nature of the blog gets funny--not in a ha-ha sort of way, but in a this-may-or-may-not-be the place sort of way. Also, I am embarrassed by how bad I feel right now, how sad and devastated, when no one has died. I make a point to write in here about arty stuff, funny stuff, and usually I can be glib or sarcastic about the bad parts (sometimes not). Today, I am so demolished that I can't see any silver lining or "plan" or lemonade through these lemons. I can't see a lesson. I feel shocked, screwed over, and shafted.
It isn't just that this trip is not remotely what I planned it to be, it's that it seems that it has been specifically designed to demolish me, to bring up my most deepest wounds, and beliefs in my life, in how I function and fit (or don't fit) with my family. It isn't just a disappointment, it has become a MAJOR BLOW and you know what? I don't FREAKN'NEED IT!
When you're feeling this bad, it's easy to shut out the person RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, holding you, telling you that you are important and are loved. And last night I found myself blocking out Graham, because I was so focused on the people who weren't there. It was a moment of absolute grace that I could turn to him and take in his support. I have a great partner, folks, and he and his family have been a life saver to me the last couple of days. Also, it's pretty hard to not feel lifted by a baby smiling and happy to see you upon entering a room. Graham's niece, Lauren, is like the sweetest salve. As always, you pick up the found money and keep going.
posted by Summer Pierre at
8:38 PM
4 Comments:
Yup, way more than enuf pain to go around.
Ten times ten times way more than that.
But you know, it's like Grandma Roseannadanna always used to say...
"If it's not one thing, it's another. It's ALWAYS something!"
Gary
Oh, how familiar all this sounds (cranky upsetting family stuff) and how truly sorry I am that you are having to go through this. I know you didn't write this to attract sympathy but you know what, even though you are feeling very dark right now, your writing is still like a beautiful bright ray of light. Seriously.
In situations like these I try not to focus on "why?" but simply say "It sucks but it is what it is". There may be a lesson in here, albeit obscured for now, there may not.
Whatever unfolds for you over the next week, I hope there'll be lots more found money and bright smiles for you.
Take care, Kerstin
Oh dearie! I'm sorry.
I hope things get brighter for you. You are always in my thoughts.
It's been my experience that NO ONE and NO THING can push our buttons like immediate family...sorry you're having to deal with those sorts of issues on your trip. But hey!...palm trees!...avocadoes!...smiling baby! Good for you for seeking the positive amid the upset.
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