Five Fingers, One Hand

Last Thursday was the last class of "So You want to be an Artist?" and it was GREAT. I am glad I brought the guitar. I sold CDs! AND people might be coming to my show THIS FRIDAY (hint, hint!). It was THRILLING to see a real New York Studio, reeking of oil and turpentine. The smell is instantly inspiring to me, making me think of the first summer I painted in oils. It was a revelation! I wanted to dive head first in a bucket of scarlet lake oil paint!



Mike Filan, the teacher, has had this studio for a while. It's an investment he's glad that he sacrifices for. It's within walking distance of both his job at SVA and his apartment. He can spend 45 minutes before work and then come back & spend 45 minutes on his way home. He encouraged us to not give in to the "I'm tired" feeling that comes over us. He offered the rebuttal, a simple mantra, to help us get to work at the end of the workday when we are tired and don't feel like going into the studio or to the desk: Fuck I am too tired! I am doing this FOR ME! It's worked on me more than a few times.

We were asked to bring in some of our own work. It was great to see some other people's stuff. Everywhere people are doing art and it feels somewhat like a secret society, like the Masons. You never know what people do outside the office. It might be watching the latest episode of Survivor, OR it might be creating paper doll designs, like one person in my class, or Polaroid transfers, like another.

I was glad I brought my guitar, but like always, the surprise, unplanned for things are the most inspiring and motivating. After showing my calendar and my playing a song, Mike saw my paint stained, bulging journal peeking out of my bag and asked if they could see something from that. I hadn't even thought of showing anything out of my journal, by when I shyly did, I got a great response! When Mike said that I should show its contents in my meeting with the chair of the illustration department, I was shocked. I literally asked, "You mean, I can show him THIS?" I never counted anything I did in my journals as real or important. It rocked my world.

It made me realize AGAIN how many rules I set for myself: this is important, this isn't. It limits me. I gave myself a new mantra: No limits, it's ALL an experiment. As a result, I painted all weekend. I seem to be moving away from collage and into more direct drawing and painting. I worked on six pieces and I was so full of ideas, I couldn't sleep last night. I feel a HUGE BREAKTHROUGH.

Mike also said that the music and the art that I am creating all seems very connected. I shocked myself by saying, "I know." It was a secret belief that I have been feeling. To have it acknowledged was to shed a flashlight on what I've suspected all along--that I don't have to choose, that all the mediums I do are like fingers sprouting from the palm of ONE HAND. There is a relief when you stop trying to figure out things and you let them exist as they are. It leaves so much room for more to happen and to come in. I feel like I have removed a bunch of barriers and am dazzled, watching the flood that that has come in.