I Think I Like It Here, But I am Not Sure Yet

The view on your way out of New York City. The Mighty Hudson.

Every once in awhile, I'll be rushing along on my way to work, or on my way home and it will hit me: I am rushing in NEW YORK CITY! Last night, I decided to walk the 20 plus blocks to Union Square from where I work. It was freezing out, but I needed the exercise, and what's more, I needed to feel myself move. I found myself pushing forward across Park Avenue and the realization that all this seemed so normal and even ROUTINE fell upon me. Whoever knew that I would think it was just another day in the life, when I was walking down the cold streets of Manhattan?? I reminded myself to look up. At night the city feels more alive than even lunch hour in midtown. It literally LIGHTS UP, but the feeling of it lights up too. I once told this to Felicia, and she said, without missing a beat, "Oh, this is not a town to be loved during the day." And it's true--I like it during the day, but it feels MAGICAL at night. All the history, the mojo, the quiet FIRE this place has, comes to light.

I remember the New York I used to visit. It's unrecognizable to me now. Even the subway stops that I used to travel to meet Graham last year are vanished, like a whole other place I used to go to. I now know how to get around, how the city is laid out, whereas before it was just a colorful mystery, with landmarks I would recognize from time to time. In some ways, I miss that New York. I felt like I was in a movie every time I visited. I loved that first morning I would wake up and look out a window and think: I AM IN NEW YORK! I'd feel cool eating a hotdog and walking down the street! Around every corner was a poem waiting to be written, or a ghost waiting to be discovered! It was FABULOUS! It was THRILLING! Nothing tasted better! Then 5 days later, I'd run back home, broke and exhausted. I used to claim that I'd become a shut in if I ever moved here.

Ha ha! Never be so sure!

I think I like living here, although it is still too early to tell. I'm in that strange in between place--the awkward phase--of moving somewhere. I know my way around, and I am doing fine, but I don't quite have A LIFE yet. People I know back in California ask me, breathlessly, eyes wide: SO, how is NEW YORK??? I think they expect this EXCITING, INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE--like the New York that any of us visits, except only 24/7. But in truth, it's just another place to live. All the regular rules apply: you need to have a home, work, a place to buy groceries, and above all, friends. Without friends, the city is an empty-ish place. It's still a somewhat lonely existence. I miss my friends and don't talk to them nearly enough. I miss having hangouts and routines. Graham and I used to spend every Wednesday with a group of friends for dinner and a movie. I used to see my best friend every Thursday night. In this busy busy life, I now see that is totally rare and lucky. But it's also part of starting over, of trying something completely new.

Luckily, we have met some great people, and I know that with time, we will meet more, and make new friends. When a new friend asked me if we wanted join her and some friends for dinner last weekend, it took every ounce of strength to answer her without gasping: WILL PEOPLE BE THERE? YES PLEASE!

And this is the truth of starting over. It's very exciting and exhilarating, but it can also be boring and lonely--no matter where you are. So tonight, I am going out to dinner with an old friend and I'll walk along the cold night streets of a new one.