Tricky Business

I'm not in a good place today. The messages in my head are like hampsters on the loose--they are making a mess of the place, chewing up all order and crapping wherever they want. I've been feeling it creeping in on me for the last couple of days. I am prone to shame, jealousy, and overall feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. It's funny, how you can make so much progress, and then suddenly slip on the banana peel and fall FLAT ON YOUR ASS.

I always know I am not doing well when I have an idea, a project I'm about to launch, or am in the beginning stages of something, and the loud, obnoxious scenerios that my ego creates in my mind are fanatsies of such rediculous grandeur. They are almost worse than criticisms, because they are so pleasant to watch that they sing you into compliance. Like yesterday, I was walking down the street, and I began to think of the most WONDERFUL scenerio of doing a book reading, where I am cracking up the audience, winning friends with my amazing wit. Who's in the audience? Famous people. Movie stars, well-known authors, people who up to a moment ago, had only heard the WHISPER of my name, but after my INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING AND DEEP presentation all want to be my BEST FRIEND.

You're probably thinking: Is this gal CRACKED? Totally.

The truth is, I'm up against the part in me that is afraid to change, to grow beyond what is known and comfortable. I want a different way of life--a life of meaning and authenticity. I want to get some shizzle done. But the neurotic side of me says, HEY! What do you want to change for? We've got a system here and the SYSTEM WORKS. When I step over it, it yells at me that my life is a total waste. When THAT doesn't work, or I get close to something that will eradicate the STATUS-QUO it shows me movies of all the glory that I will reap, when I do all the things I am setting out to do. I stop, and drop what I am doing, dazzled by the view. It's a TRICKY BUSINESS.

I should probably take it as a sign that I am on to something--and I do, but today I am EXHAUSTED by trying to navigate this circus. I'll be okay. I've been through this SO MANY TIMES and it always passes. It's just that dang DRAGON AT THE GATE AGAIN. I must be getting too close to the gold--something he can't ever use--but has infinite value to me.