The Friend that Got Away

Last year a book called The Friend Who Got Away came out. It was a compilation of essays that came out about women and their friendships that for one reason or another, fell apart, or went away. It had a big response--lots of publicity, but in my life, it had a direct response: I had three old girlfriends contact me because of that book. I was touched by these contacts and happy to hear from them all. When I happily responded to all three, only one ever contacted me again. At first, I was confused by this (and a little mad). I mean, why go out of your way to send a heartfelt note to someone, as a way of reaching through the years of distance, if you don't want to reconnect? In one case, that was pretty par the course for that friendship, and it was a relief to remember that, and let it go. I realized that it was a small gift for what it was--just an acknowledgement that I was important to them at one point. I am happy to still be connected to one of the women who wrote, and to rekindle a more mature friendship than I think each of us was capable of at the point we lost touch.

I think part of the huge response to this book was that friendships ending is a part of life, but it doesn't ever get talked about in a direct way. I feel ashamed to admit that any of my friendships have ended. It feels more like a failure than a romantic relationship ending somehow. And yet, it happens. We don't talk about it, and somehow there doesn't seem to be a place for this to exist as a real part of life, like break ups.

When I pulled today's index card, I didn't want to do it. In fact, I threw the card in the garbage, but then reconsidered, and retrieved it out. The rules of these 30 days is that I HAVE TO DO what the card shows up. So I did it, and it was fun, but there was a whole other tragic opera playing in my head while I did it. It was the story I didn't want to touch upon.

I am in the throws of grieving what seems to be the end of a very long and important friendship. For years I considered her my best friend. Although there are good reasons--on both ends--for this change, it's still hard. It was a long standing relationship--one of my longest--and no matter what it felt like towards the end, I still loved her deeply (I still LOVE her deeply). I still appreciate very much who she is, and all that we shared and it's sad. I don't really have any words for it. And yet, by the same token, I know in letting this relationship go, and the dynamic that came with it, I have made room for her to have growth and strength where I was taking up space, in the same way that letting it go has left room for me to grow.

I may be taking a huge chance in writing about this, but it's a loss that is no small potatoes and sometimes when you have no guidebook, you have to make your own way. I wish there was a known process for this, but there isn't--so I go with what is there: grief, regret, relief, and letting go. I pick it out ofthe garbage, avoid it, and then tell the story anyway.