This Is How It Goes

Overcast morning and I have a migraine. Oh JOY.

Excuse me while I get a little CHICK LIT on you:

I was in a pretty good mood yesterday. I'd had a productive morning, I'd gotten some things done at work, and the weather was fine. I thought, this just might be a good time to walk down the street after work and try on the red delicious skirt in the J Crew window that I've been dreaming about since passing it a few days ago.

This isn't exactly for pleasure, per se. I need to go clothes shopping so badly it isn't even funny. Okay, it is a little funny, because even I am embarassed at the state of my wears. I hate shopping tremendously. Nothing says FREAKOUT like trying on clothes that feel too expensive and show off the delightful part of my body that I spend a good deal of time being in DENIAL OF. Here's a good combo, being a poverty addict AND having body issues. Now go shop! But I was in a good mood. I had gotten excersize earlier in the day. I've been saving money lately for the purpose of buying my yearly bout of clothes. So I go to J Crew. I march right in and pick up the red delicious skirt. It's a bit pricey for me, but so is a $1.50 cup of coffee. I nearly run to the fitting rooms, because I'm afraid the voices will start kicking in. The voices that say: EVERYONE IS STARING AT YOUR SHABBINESS. The voices that say: THIS IS TOO EXPENSIVE FOR A LOVECHILD (never meant to be!) LIKE YOU.

There is a line. There are a slew of fabulous midtown New York women waiting behind me. It's when I catch myself believing that they must have INCREDIBLE LIVES because they LOOK SO GOOD and have ARMFULS of clothes, that I know the worms have started makig their way into my brain. I'm done for.

When I am lead to the men's dressingroom, across the store, I already know I won't get the skirt. I didn't make it in time. I'm having fits. I try on the skirt and it's very pretty, but I'm not sure I look pretty in it. There's that pesky view of my hips and calves and I think in a perfect world, I would have a trim body with svelt legs and I wouln't be convinced that I am the world's poor cousin. I also would be able to buy a skirt and not have it be a monumental event in my life. It would be pleasurable. But the world is not perfect. So instead, I listen to the girl in the changing room call her best friend and ask, "Do you think I should get this dress at J Crew? Yes I am here right now. It's brown and has white dots. I know, it sounds HIDEOUS, but it's not." She laughs sweetly, in that way you talk to your best friend.

I think: I need to get out more.

So all that was good in the day was gone in the evening. I came home believing that I was SCREWED. I told Graham that I was screwed and he smiled and said, "You are good." I wonder if in 50 years I'll still be flopping on the couch in a huff and he will be smiling at me saying "You're good." Dear god, I hope not. No skirt is worth it.