The Flavor of Love

Well, folks we landed in the sweet scented southern reaches of San Diego late Wednesday night. It was the first time I've taken an afternoon flight , so I had time in the earlier part of the day to totally FREAK myself out by doing things hugely important at the last minute, like picking up calendars and mailing out the last of them, before I weepily said goodbye to my cats and got on a plane. Let me tell you, in case you were doubting it, that this was a DUMB thing to do. Kinko's is good when you have no pressure. When you have the TIGHTEST of deadlines, you might as well expect EVERYTHING to go wrong. It did. They "misunderstood" me and didn't print ANY, even though I had called a couple of days prior to follow up and see if they could squeeze in two more, so my, um, MOTHER could have one. No dice. Basically, after I used STRONG TONES, they made me two that very morning so I could fill a last order that had been waiting ever so patiently, but none of my family is getting them until the New Year (sorry guys!).

For anyone who has flown Jet Blue, you know that two things happen: you get snacks, like a big chewy chocolate chip cookie or blue chips and they have CONSTANT STREAMING of cable TV. I had high hopes that I would stave off the cable TV demon, and read my new book that I had been saving for the flight. Since I don't own a TV and yet have an INSTANT ADDICTION to it, the minute I see those pictures moving, this proved almost impossible. I thought, "Oh, I'll just watch as we are taking off..." but once I came across a marathon of the reality series The Flavor of Love, I WAS A GONNER.

In case you don't know, The Flavor of Love, stars the giant clock wearing "mascot" of Public Enemy, Flavor Flave. 20 women with desperation tattooed across many body parts compete for the love of Flavor Flave. I came in at the last 6 (thank the sweet stars). Like most low budget reality series, showing on VH1, it was a CAR WRECK, that I couldn't stop watching. Flavor Flave speaks in the third person and usually appears like a strange Rumplestilsken character, who speaks in gibberish through his gold teeth. I came in on one of the women, weeping, saying, "I know I truly love, Flave. He is such...an amazing person." REALLY?

There were cat fights that included LOOGIES. There were shameless plugs for products. There were meetings with nightmarish parents. There were shower scenes that should have been reserved for Snoop Dogg's next home video project. There was Briget Nielson in all her AMAZON glory. There were costume chanages. There were MOMENTS of TRUTH. There was strange displays of delusional thinking.

I couldn't STOP watching. Even when I grew bored and mildly angry, feeling the soft pull of my SOUL being SUCKED OUT THROUGH MY NOSE. I had to keep watching because I needed to find out: who would win Flave's love? Would it be Hoops or New York???

I did end up reading some of my book, but by the time I got off the plane, I had that very distinct TV hangover, where I feel depressed and under the belief system that the world is coming to an end. Why go on, when the world looks like a bunch of young women, who look already USED UP, competing actively for a man who wears a viking hat on a regular basis? Why believe in anything when this is how people FIND MEANING?

Then, we got off the plane, and we were picked up by Graham's sister, and I looked out at the lights of neighborhoods, and listened to the sound of Graham and Coreen's voices fill with warmth, and I thought, OH THANK THE SWEET STARS. I have returned to the world I love and all its reality.