A Bird at My Table
I'm working on a book right now and really struggling, so I've been getting out all the tools, sacrificial virgins, incense, prayer books, candles to help me in this journey that is actually attempting something that is important to me. One of the things I did recently was to re-read Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. I have had this book for ten years and had read it, thought it good, but also I had this little eety-beety gripe about it. The gripe is what I have with a lot of professional creative gurus, which is when they say, "The important thing is not to get published, the important thing is to enjoy the creative process." While, this is an absolutely true and wonderful sentiment, it also BUGS me, because I want to say EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, OH PUBLISHED AUTHOR. I want to experience the beauty that is doing the creative act AND get published--so SUE me!
Anyway, maybe my anger was fueled because I actually wasn't doing ANYTHING about writing in one direction, so I felt (ahem) a wee bit DEFENSIVE and (cough) JEALOUS. Now that I am actually sitting my ass down and WRITING in a very concrete manor, on a daily basis, I think I was more receptive to Lamott's book--and dare I say it?--GRATEFUL for this funny and cranky book about the very REAL way you can feel when you are actually writing--which is to say, bored, grumpy, and totally OUT OF YOUR MIND. Yes, you can also feel excited, inspired, and all those other things, but once again, I am faced with the REALITY vs. the FANTASY.
I asked a PUBLISHED writer friend recently, "I feel nuts is this normal?" and she said, "Oh, honey, it's totally NORMAL. My friend [who is writing a novel] is having a TOTAL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN." While, in theory, I don't enjoy other people's misery, dare I say, my belt felt a little looser, as I breathed a SIGH OF RELIEF?
One of my favorite movies, An Angel at My Table, about the New Zealand writer Janet Frame, totally fed (like many other sources) my fantasy of what being a writer was about. Sure, she had crippling shyness, family deaths, and an 8 year wrongful institutionalization, which almost led to her getting a lobotomy, but she ended up WRITING several amazing books and going to EUROPE on a fellowship and she wore GORGEOUS 1950's sweater sets, and went down in HISTORY. You see what my focus was? Not on the very REAL and INTIMATE and EMPTY parts of her life--or the part in her that thought, how in the hell am I going to do this? I was focused on the PRODUCT. I think this is what Anne Lamott was trying to say when she said, "The point is not the publishing, the point is the writing." The writing might as well be called "the process of your life." Don't worry about how your life will look at the end, pay attention to how you are LIVING IT.
It's really EASY to judge or get ideas about FINISHED projects. The sheer fact that Janet Frame wanted to kill herself, that she lived in poverty, and could barely hold a conversation with anyone outside her family tells me more about her process than her STORY does. The fact that she triumphed at all is somehow beside the point. She struggled, like any human being, with very large doubts.
It sounds so sexy writing a book, but I assure you it's really unremarkable. Like anyone else, or like EVERYONE else, eventually you sit down with all the imperfection and write. As a wise woman once said, something is better than nothing. So I am living my life and noticing how it is lived and it's sometimes great and sometimes really frickn' hard. I'm lucky, my story isn't finished yet. This means I still have time.
Anyway, maybe my anger was fueled because I actually wasn't doing ANYTHING about writing in one direction, so I felt (ahem) a wee bit DEFENSIVE and (cough) JEALOUS. Now that I am actually sitting my ass down and WRITING in a very concrete manor, on a daily basis, I think I was more receptive to Lamott's book--and dare I say it?--GRATEFUL for this funny and cranky book about the very REAL way you can feel when you are actually writing--which is to say, bored, grumpy, and totally OUT OF YOUR MIND. Yes, you can also feel excited, inspired, and all those other things, but once again, I am faced with the REALITY vs. the FANTASY.
I asked a PUBLISHED writer friend recently, "I feel nuts is this normal?" and she said, "Oh, honey, it's totally NORMAL. My friend [who is writing a novel] is having a TOTAL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN." While, in theory, I don't enjoy other people's misery, dare I say, my belt felt a little looser, as I breathed a SIGH OF RELIEF?
One of my favorite movies, An Angel at My Table, about the New Zealand writer Janet Frame, totally fed (like many other sources) my fantasy of what being a writer was about. Sure, she had crippling shyness, family deaths, and an 8 year wrongful institutionalization, which almost led to her getting a lobotomy, but she ended up WRITING several amazing books and going to EUROPE on a fellowship and she wore GORGEOUS 1950's sweater sets, and went down in HISTORY. You see what my focus was? Not on the very REAL and INTIMATE and EMPTY parts of her life--or the part in her that thought, how in the hell am I going to do this? I was focused on the PRODUCT. I think this is what Anne Lamott was trying to say when she said, "The point is not the publishing, the point is the writing." The writing might as well be called "the process of your life." Don't worry about how your life will look at the end, pay attention to how you are LIVING IT.
It's really EASY to judge or get ideas about FINISHED projects. The sheer fact that Janet Frame wanted to kill herself, that she lived in poverty, and could barely hold a conversation with anyone outside her family tells me more about her process than her STORY does. The fact that she triumphed at all is somehow beside the point. She struggled, like any human being, with very large doubts.
It sounds so sexy writing a book, but I assure you it's really unremarkable. Like anyone else, or like EVERYONE else, eventually you sit down with all the imperfection and write. As a wise woman once said, something is better than nothing. So I am living my life and noticing how it is lived and it's sometimes great and sometimes really frickn' hard. I'm lucky, my story isn't finished yet. This means I still have time.
Labels: writing
posted by Summer Pierre at
9:55 AM
3 Comments:
I'm going through the same thing myself with the writing of the book and the nervous breakdown and stressing over this being my first. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.
Write on!
oh, girl THANK YOU for commenting! Keep at it and I will too!
Another way of looking at this is, if you're going to be brought to the brink of madness, you may as well at least get some creative product out of it. Many folks lead tortured emotional lives but lack creativity as an outlet. Whether they lack natural talent, inclination, confidence, focus, and/ or dedication, they just don't end up producing artwork. I might include myself in this latter group, except that I got bit by the social science bug -- so, perhaps I am more of a "frustrated researcher" or "frustrated policy wonk" than a "frustrated artist." At any rate, for all those who clearly are artistically talented, focused, etc.: if you're gonna be stuck with a tortured temperament, just be glad at least that you have found your direction in life, and FORGE AHEAD!
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