Changes

The Screw It year continues. So far, this is the most appropriate theme I've ever tried. I just sent what I consider a HORRIBLE short story to my writing group members. I was panicking and trying to figure out what else to send them, and then I remembered....SCREW IT, young lady! Send it on. Oh, what a relief!

It's definitely a time for change. I have made a decision to not make the Great Gals Calendars anymore. After 6 years it has more than served its purpose and the thought of letting it go was scary at first, but then when I applied the SCREW IT method, I felt an immense wave of relief.

And then there's the blog...

Here's what has been on my mind for the last few months: the changing face of blogging, and/or the question why in the heck do I do it?

Here's the thing about blogging that people seem to know, but not everyone quite GETS: The reality of blogs is that it's a very particular image of someone--a crafted image, with pictures and words. It's so ATTRACTIVE! I like to think of it as the porthole that showed up in the opening credits for The Love Boat: Guest Starring...CHARO! It's easy to make a clean picture in the porthole--but what you don't see is the cables and the tape on the floor, and the people yelling, and the catering service, and the guys with tight shorts and handlebar mustaches that supervise the lights and talk about the female guest stars' pantylines. We all are our own special guest stars on our blogs. We are also the leering light guys, but NOBODY sees this. If we do show it, it's a televised version.

There is so much I've gotten out of blogging: good vibes, great people to connect with, an audience to try things out on, an opportunity to write regularly, and witness my own life, publishing opportunities, and some real friendships. I've also gotten bad vibes, unwanted focus and attention, and public criticism. I tell you, it's all great until you get that first anonymous comment that tells you you are a piece of shit and your family members should be killed in a public forum (totally not kidding). Then, well, it kind of wakes you up to more of the broad scope of things. It isn't just people going "You go, girl!" It's also the chuckleheads who say things to a computer screen they would never in a million years dream of saying to someone's face, who take things personally, who think it is their job to tell you JUST WHAT IS WHAT. Nothing says FIRING SQUAD like anonymity and the internet.

When I first started catching on, the personal/creative blogging world seemed to bloom with originality and emerging voices. It was the new frontier! Rumi quotes abounded! People shared their artwork and their stories for the first time! Personalities were born! A new photographic aesthetic emerged: giant Gerber daisies in sky after sparkling sky, coffee cups with feathered foam, and the dainty shots of even daintier shoes! Minimalism took on new meaning--an apple and a thrifted bowl on a plain white table meant serenity! It was all so new and delicious! And I was there! In it! Quoting! Learning!

It still is filled with these elements, but it's been done time and time again. It's not a new frontier anymore-- and I'm bored. I'm bored with myself, with the "lessons" I found in my own blogging, and with the voice of it. Also, I used to want to share everything, but now I like my privacy. I am also doing more and don't have much time to talk about it.

I think I am in transition, and I don't think I am the only one. I know people who are consciously shifting their subject matter, to make it both new to them and to cater to a change in readership. Some bloggers I know are taking longer and longer between entries to post. Two of my favorite bloggers quit cold turkey. I salute them and miss them and envy them. I also wish I knew what their experience was AFTER they quit.

For my own interest, I've been trying to make things new again. Maybe you could tell. I've been trying to change the way I blog, faltering a few times into old habits (this blog entry will be exhibit A), and feeling oddly embarrassed by it. I turned off comments and two interesting things happened: A few people had weird, hostile reactions to it. I got 1 supportive e-mail that I really appreciated. The other thing that happened is that I got lonely. As weird as that sounds--I realized it wasn't solely about having an audience, but about ME connecting with other people.

So, I'm not quitting--at least yet. There's things I still like about blogging--but I need to admit that my relationship to it is changing and I'll be trying new things here. There's blog entries to be drawn, scrabbled, showered, walked, written in dirt, if its a surface, I'll create a blog entry out of it. There's community I still want to experience and build. There's a world I'm still interested in. Thank you to those who have been with me on this ride, and I hope will continue to be.