Perfectionism

I am going to get personal for a moment and disclose that I sometimes suffer from anxiety. A few months ago, I was suffering over such intense anxiety over a situation that I had no recourse, but to seek out help. Through that help I discovered that a good deal of my anxiety comes from...are you READY?...perfectionism. Frankly, no one was more shocked than myself to discover this bit of psychological information. I thought I'd covered everything in the neurosis department, but apparently, there was a sneaky, PERVASIVE behavioral trait that was (is) RULING MY LIFE.

I used to read about perfectionism in other creativity books--most notably in SARK and Julia Cameron's books. I used to read it and think, "Oh yeah, that's cute and fine for them," but I never associated it in myself. I'd think: my house and my art is often a mess, unfinished, and so that must mean I am not a perfectionist. But being anal and being a perfectionist are not necessarily the same thing. Here's how perfectionism shows up in my life: I am not allowed to make mistakes. I mean EVER, in any situation. I'm never allowed to not say the right thing at the right time. I'm never allowed to not be likable. I am not allowed to be a beginner at anything--I need to be able to PERFECT an activity and then and only then can it be REAL.

I am working on a project right now that is a real STRETCH for me--a project that I am only now realizing is asking me to be a BEGINNER and I just HATE THAT. My resistance to being beginner in anything is so INTENSE that I feel like I am doing anything and everything to stop from actually FACING the work. Because I have such HIGH STANDARDS I have been PROCRASTINATING as a way to stay PERFECT. But as the man says, POTENTIAL IS A DRUG. This is a project I have dreamed of doing since I was 12 years old, and I have long fantasized about what it would be like to make something like this and participate in it, but the fantasy so DOES NOT include me flailing around not knowing what the heck I AM DOING. The fact that I am working with someone else almost makes it worse--what if I show up with my material and it, um, SUCKS? Say it isn't SO!

Well, if I want this to project to happen, I need to get down on my hands and knees and start getting to work and doing something. I do practices every day to help with the ol' emotional brain stay healthy, but the one thing that eluded me (AGAIN) is that actual practice of starting from scratch, of showing up, of being a mess, of trying on something to see if it fits. The beauty is, that if it doesn't fit--as long as I keep trying in the smallest ways--there's more where that came from.