A Dumb Idea

My brother Josh came on Saturday for an afternoon of walking along the Chelsea docks and an evening of Ethiopian food and more walking. Then he spent the night and we woke up to talking and pancake eating and then he was gone back to the West Coast. As we said good-bye we both agreed what a dumb idea it is for us all to live so far away from each other and then I watched him go and felt my heart was going to break.

I don't do well with good-byes. They suck in my opinion. Especially if they are with someone you don't see that often and who you care deeply for. In a perfect world I would live within 50 miles of all those dear to me, but the way I've lived my life so far is to never be less than 3000 miles away from most of the people I love. When I was in my twenties, this seemed like a perfectly normal and exciting way to live life. Now I see it as limiting as well as financially and emotionally consuming. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am not happy in New York. I am happy here and so glad we came and have made some wonderful friends and contacts, and am normally pretty okay, but when someone like Josh or Meg comes to visit it sends it all into a tailspin. It is a reminder of what I am missing and craving and hungry for. I am jealous of people who grew up in places like Buffalo and Jersey, only because they can go home for the weekend and then come back. They don't have to spend a minimum of $300 to go see anyone and they don't have to collect their vacation time for family and friends. They can go other places for their vacations and spend the rest of the time in the whirl of their lives.

If we had our druthers we'd move back to the Bay Area sooner rather than later, but Graham has obligations here for the next 2 years and so do I. So, here we stay and continue to thrive in our way until we don't.

Still, I love the ease that comes with hanging out with your intimates and talking about family in only the way siblings can talk and laugh and be with each other. It was like a little bit of home--that BIG sense of home--in my living room on Sunday morning.