My Ex
A guy I work with went to see some friends of mine play a gig at Joe's Pub. He didn't know that I knew them, but when he mentioned he was going to the show I cheered and said, "Yay! My friends!" The next day he was very excited about the show and asked in a sort of heavy manner, "So...how well do you know them?" I said I knew them very well, because we go way back. It's been about 11 years since I met one of them at an open mic and we became instant pals and supporters.
Today this work pal said to me, "So, you ever think about doing music again? It seems like you're in pretty cool company." And I felt that old ex of mine--my career in music--haunt me for just a moment. I felt that old ego stir and take a big old yawn and lick its chops and look around to see what was up.
I wonder if I'll ever really get over the pain of my first arty love life. It feels like a messy divorce I'll always carry with me on some level. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY HAPPY. When things kind of went KABLOOEY in my musical and personal life I never in a million years imagined this content, inspired, and happy life I live now. Even when I was "making it" as a musician, I never thought I could feel this stable and this FULFILLED, but that was part of the problem.
It's hard to explain to people when you are really good at something, why it's not really good for you. I can remember when I was first starting out, I met a young musician who had just come off the road with The Lilith Fair and she said that she was on her last tour because she was going to go back to school. "Why are you doing that?" I so innocently wanted to know. "I want to get going on my real life." She said and I thought she must be the CRAZIEST lady on the planet. Why would you EVER turn your back on what I saw as the glittering horizon of Neverneverland? I would have KILLED to be in her shoes, but now I look back at that conversation and say honey, if you're out there--GOD SPEED TO YOU.
I don't know why something works for some people, while it doesn't work for others. I wasn't the only broken, confused, and (dare I say it?) talented person to ever pick up a guitar. Most of the people I knew in the music scene were totally out of their minds on some level and yet, for whatever reason some of them continued on and did great. Some people, like my friends, are THRIVING. It is good for me to remember in moments when the my heart hurts that I didn't THRIVE doing music and I am THRIVING now.
It also helps to remember that no one could explain to a twenty-something me that the world and my own life was larger than I ever could have imagined and that it really didn't all come down to NOW or NEVER or ALWAYS or NEVER or BLACK or WHITE or RIGHT or WRONG or YES or NO. Age is much more generous in this one way. It gives you the gift of resizing.
Still, that old feeling of loss and love came over me today and it comes over me now as I write this down. So I answer it, like I answered my work pal, "Yeah, I AM in good company." The best.
Today this work pal said to me, "So, you ever think about doing music again? It seems like you're in pretty cool company." And I felt that old ex of mine--my career in music--haunt me for just a moment. I felt that old ego stir and take a big old yawn and lick its chops and look around to see what was up.
I wonder if I'll ever really get over the pain of my first arty love life. It feels like a messy divorce I'll always carry with me on some level. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY HAPPY. When things kind of went KABLOOEY in my musical and personal life I never in a million years imagined this content, inspired, and happy life I live now. Even when I was "making it" as a musician, I never thought I could feel this stable and this FULFILLED, but that was part of the problem.
It's hard to explain to people when you are really good at something, why it's not really good for you. I can remember when I was first starting out, I met a young musician who had just come off the road with The Lilith Fair and she said that she was on her last tour because she was going to go back to school. "Why are you doing that?" I so innocently wanted to know. "I want to get going on my real life." She said and I thought she must be the CRAZIEST lady on the planet. Why would you EVER turn your back on what I saw as the glittering horizon of Neverneverland? I would have KILLED to be in her shoes, but now I look back at that conversation and say honey, if you're out there--GOD SPEED TO YOU.
I don't know why something works for some people, while it doesn't work for others. I wasn't the only broken, confused, and (dare I say it?) talented person to ever pick up a guitar. Most of the people I knew in the music scene were totally out of their minds on some level and yet, for whatever reason some of them continued on and did great. Some people, like my friends, are THRIVING. It is good for me to remember in moments when the my heart hurts that I didn't THRIVE doing music and I am THRIVING now.
It also helps to remember that no one could explain to a twenty-something me that the world and my own life was larger than I ever could have imagined and that it really didn't all come down to NOW or NEVER or ALWAYS or NEVER or BLACK or WHITE or RIGHT or WRONG or YES or NO. Age is much more generous in this one way. It gives you the gift of resizing.
Still, that old feeling of loss and love came over me today and it comes over me now as I write this down. So I answer it, like I answered my work pal, "Yeah, I AM in good company." The best.
posted by Summer Pierre at
4:35 PM
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