I need a vacation

I was going to write--in fact I DID write--a long post in response to an article written by Emily Gould about her experience as a mega media personal blogger (link via Madame Stallings). It spawned in me lots of thoughts and ideas about the nature of blogging and my own and other people's attachements to it. Then, I thought, WHO NEEDS IT?

I am going to take a blog break for ten days. Actually an entire media fast. I tell you who needs it: I NEED IT.

In the next week I hope to:

Bake.
Write.
Paint.
Play music.
Maybe do one thing on my 100 things to do before I die list.
Cook.
Walk.
Stare at the East River.
Lay down in the grass.
Talk to my cats entirely too much.
Meet new people.

See you when I return.

Love,
Summer

Let the Horn Sound

This is me ROCKN' OUT because I just sent out my proposal and the dummy of my book. I don't have stomach pains this time around, so no matter what, I feel GOOD about what I've made.

Whoever has written me in the last week I will be responding today. I was so MIA the last week trying to get it all done and scrubbed up real nice. I feel like this has been a crash course in learning book production, design, and TRUSTING ONES GUT. Note to all of you who are thinking of doing an illustrated book: You not only have to write it and illustrate it, but you have to DESIGN it. I don't know why this part sort of ELUDED me, but it did until I tried to send it out and the recipients were like, "Um, is THIS what you were thinking?" OH DARN!

It makes me have even more RESPECT for those illustrating authors I love out there--Lynda Barry, Keri Smith, Maira Kalman, etc.

Of course, the funny part is that it will most likely get changed and EDITORIALIZED, but I DON'T CARE. I feel like what I've made so far rings true to who I am, and it MORE CLEARLY gets what my message is. I am not going to say anymore about it, but I feel like I just climbed a mountain and I have a BETTER VIEW than I did the last mountain I climbed.

Now, if you will excuse me, it's time for me to turn on some JAMES BROWN and FRIGGN' GET DOWN!

The Era of The Hat

About three years ago I sat worrying over the few gray hairs I had sprouting from the top of my head. I asked Graham, "Do you think I need to dye my hair?" Without hesitation he said, "Soon." To which I calmly responded by nearly shouting: "You're GOING BALD!"

I know, when I asked the question "Do you think I need to dye my hair?" I was really asking FOR IT. Also, it should be said that I had spent many moments just like that, assuring my love that I didn't notice his thinning hairline and even if he were going bald, it wouldn't matter to me. The latter part is 100% true, but the former was me being a VERY SUPPORTIVE girlfriend.

Well, now the baldness and the grayness is just like the cereal--it's a 100% Natural in our home. It's an accepted fact. I have got more gray hairs since this conversation, but like so much else, I haven't done DIDDLY about it, but dream of exciting colors to dye my hair like red and blond streaks or maybe even DARK DARK brown.

Graham, for his part, just shaves his head and grew sideburns and that was that--until we went to Montauk and his poor scalp got sunburned. It was time, people. Time for a hat.

Graham is not a hat person. I have a polaroid of him trying on hats at the San Gregorio store some years ago, where he looks like he just came from a Village People concert. So there was much discussion of what kind of hat he might go for and even look good in. We planned. We stopped by hat kiosks. For awhile he thought he might get a sort of Mr. Miami Beach straw hat, but once he tried it on he felt like a tourist in his own life. So we went further down the road of golfing hats--little sharp, straw caps, but then they didn't work either. Finally, he tried on one of those cotton caps that snaps at the bill--a sort of caddy number and it REALLY LOOKED GOOD.

What's cuter than you husband trying on hats and asking "What do you think?" I'll tell you, it's your husband standing on a subway platform wearing his cap WITH PRIDE. He loves it and it just about KILLS ME to see him happy with his LOOK. It's a new era for Graham. The era of the hat.

Now what am I supposed to do about my GRAY HAIRS? Maybe I'll buy a hat too.

Nuts

I am still in my pajamas and it's 4:15. Again. I've been working like a mad woman on my book so that I can run up town and sneak into my old workplace and use their color copier to make a dummy of it. Part of this kind of crazed working is so pleasurable. Another part is, well, nuts.

Babies Having Babies

My friends Sara and Brian welcomed their firstborn on Sunday, Luke Romain. Welcome Luke! We are so glad you are here!

I remember how five years ago I was invited to 7 weddings and everybody said, "You're at that time in life where everybody gets married." Now, I am at the time of life when everybody is getting married AND having babies. In the group of friends that I have known since early childhood, Sara included, this is baby number four and we have another one coming in August.

In December I came out to San Francisco and attended Sara and Brian's wedding and this wild feeling came over me that was part overwhelming love and emotion and part overwhelming fear of time passing. I looked at the glowing face of my friend Sara, a woman I have known since we were five years old--a woman who ran as the popular choice for president in our mock election of 1984; a woman who did win homecoming queen in 1989; a woman who has lived in Russia (with love), and who is an eternal student of life--and I thought: THIS IS IT. All those thoughts of "I wonder what it will be like when we grow up" are happening. Right now. What will become of us is becoming of us right now.

At the reception I sat talking with my friend Kirstin with her newborn son, curled against her like a little snail shell. She said, "We were at dinner last night and I looked and saw Tom [her husband] and Griffin [her older boy] and Duncan [the new babe], and I thought, this is my family. How cool is that?" How COOL INDEED. This is Kirstin's FAMILY--the one she wanted and dreamed up. This is HER LIFE.

And I felt so small. I felt like a blip on the screen. I felt that human life is just SO FRIGGN short in the wide and expansive horizon of time. This is it. I am meeting my oldest friends' children. I am meeting the next wave--the up and comers of time.

Luke, your mama is one of those people who just kind of glowed from day one. I know you do too. It comes in the genes. I can't wait to meet you.

Montauk

Graham and I escaped to the beauty of Long Island this weekend. This was quite an adventure for us for a number of reasons. The main reason is that we don't take vacations. Our honeymoon was the first time going some place that didn't have to do with anybody, but ourselves. We take frequent trips to visit people, but we had never gone anywhere that we didn't know anyone. So we decided to try it out and it was like a new and funny experience, fluctuating between absolute bliss and anxious feelings of aimlessness.

It felt like HEAVEN to wake up and see an ocean and be in town that was virtually empty by New York standards. We went on a lot of walks. We skipped stones. We ate a lot of crap. When it rained, we watched a lot of cable TV (a real exotic thing for us). We drank coffee out on our deck and looked out at the rollicking Atlantic. We got sunburned. We pet a number of sweet dogs. We talked to locals who were happy and ready to get the summer season kicked off. We ate in the diner where they filmed a scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I don't recommend it, though. A diner that can make INEDIBLE hash browns is no diner at all.

My camera croaked on my trip to Coronado a few weeks ago and I don't have the financial room to buy a new one right away. I felt like I was going through picture taking withdrawals the entire trip. As someone who tends to record record record and process process process, the no picture taking went against my grain. I couldn't help but think this was a good thing to go through. I realized how much this tendency to record and process a moment stops me from being in the moment. I know, it's an obvious observation, but it was HARD for me to be in the moment. So I collected shells and stones. I gathered. Then I realized that this was stopping me from looking UP and OUT at the enormous sky and the ocean--a view I often crave in the shoulder to shoulder atmosphere of New York. This struggle went on and on the first day on the beach--then I just gave it up and sat down and closed my eyes and listened to the ocean.

This trip made me realize a couple of things: I really frickn' need to take more breaks. Anxious DOING has been my mode more and more. Relentless art making and creating and processing and planning need days off too. I have a page in my 'zine about taking days off from both your creative work and your job, but I had been forgetting this in the face of GETTING STUFF DONE. Even the DREAM FACTORY needs to shut its doors for the night and grab a beer. I think those things will get done faster if I rest and take breaks and sometimes (gasp!) do nothing, but close my eyes and listen.

List Server

This week I have been discovering a lot of lists. I love Andrea's recent post about creating lists as being part of envisioning and planning your life's dreams. I went by Mighty Girl's site the other day and saw her 100 things to do before you die list and it totally inspired me. Then I saw Alex's recent list of the same idea. I love how lists seem to be a shorthand for life.

I started a list recently of all the things I am GLAD I've done. So much of the lists I make are about what I WANT, so I wanted to write about the things I've DONE that I am grateful for. They ranged from moving to New York to breaking off an engagement. It was a cool process.

Here's my friend Amanda's list on songs she'll never get sick of. An entire website dedicated to GROCERY LISTS.

Lists rule!

Graham and I are off on an adventure for the weekend. We'll be back on Tuesday, but until then, here are 46 of the 100 things I would like to do before I die:

1. publish a book. Period.
2. Go on a camping safari in East Africa
3. Go to Hawaii
4. Go on a leisurely walk through Paris
5. Eat dinner at 21
6. Create and perform a one woman show
7. have and raise a child
8. Spend a weekend writing at the Hotel Del Coronado
9. Bake & decorate a wedding cake
10. Go to Chez Panisse for dinner
11. Visit Sylvia Plath’s grave
12. Release another CD
13. Have a show of my work
14. Learn how to sew my own skirts
15. Drive across the country with Graham
16. See an entire retrospective of Jean Michel Basquiat’s paintings
17. Go to Cuba
18. Make a film
19. buy a home
20. publish a book of fiction
21. Record a radio essay
22. Have High Tea at the Plaza
23. Have a garden
24. Eradicate plastic bags from my life
25. Finish paying off my school loans
26. Give a talk of some kind
27. Give up the day job
28. See Graham retire
29. Go on a two day retreat with Kirstin, Sara, Judy, & Andromeda in Bolinas
30. Go to the Smithsonian Archives
31. Buy original art that I love
32. Visit Vitali & Rachnar in the Hague
33. See Tom Waits perform again
34. Meet Bruce Springsteen
35. Go on a trip with Mindy
36. Give a reading of my flier stories with a slide show
37. Win an award
38. Donate a large sum of money to Peninsula School for a scholarship fund
39. Go to the Civil Rights Museum in Birmingham, Alabama
40. Learn another language fluently
41. Camp at Glacier National Park
42. Go on a tour of the UN
43. Go to India
44. Buy and wear a pair of red cowboy boots
45. Shop entirely local food for one week in New York
46. Illustrate Nana’s cookbook

This is WHAT IT IS

I have loved Lynda Barry's work since high school. It's funny, it's true, it's orginal, it's beautiful. I worshipped her until I took a class from her. Then I learned from her.

I believe in her work and I believe in her method. Her newest book, What It Is, is about her ideas and methods that she teaches. If you love art and if you want to find a very cool way to write easily and become intimate with your own mind, this BOOK IS FOR YOU.

Frankly, we need this book. Frankly, as an artist who was once told that her work is "too much"--I needed this book. It's visually NUTS. It's also true and beautiful.

GO AND GET IT.

Linus as a metaphor for blogging

This is sometimes my own mental experience with blogging.

I've been taking myself too seriously. I know, YOU ARE TOTALLY SHOCKED. It's true--EVEN ME (Thinx-2-much Pierre). There comes a time when the things you love to do become the have to dos, and that's when a subtle thing starts to transpire. You forget that it's fun. You forget what fun is, because when you are creating art or writing or music and it's all for SOMETHING and not for NOTHING it can get a little draggy. It becomes the ball and chain. This has been happening to me a lot lately and I have had that crappy gnawing feeling that something just doesn't FEEL right. Why am I not JOYFUL and LOSING TIME happily? Because after this picture or illustration, there is a short story to be written and submitted and after that there's another deadline for something else, oh and don't forget that you promised THIS to THAT person.

Yesterday I sat feeling a bit grim for no reason. I just didn't HAVE IT to give. So I decided to give up all my attempt at trying to make it all happen at once and I decided to LIGHTEN UP. The first order of business was to listen to Journey. Nothing says LIGHTEN UP like Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." I mean, let's face it, when that piano comes on, I dare ANYONE not to look over both shoulders to see if anyone is watching and then TURN IT UP. I also put away the super duper high arty literary book I am reading and got out a comic book I haven't read since I was a kid. Then, like usual when I give up the IDEA of something, cool coincidences started happening. Plans got happily canceled, therefor two of my deadlines also got pushed back; I discovered that Lynda Barry's book What It Is came out that very day. I ran and got it and ate it up with relish on the way home. And to top it all off, the actor Tony Roberts, who has been in all my favorite Woody Allen films, walked past me on 63rd Street. I took it as a good sign.

Man oh man, I think I'll start tomorrow with Boston's "More Than a Feeling." I think I need it.

The Love Theme From Robdromeda

I wrote this song awhile back for my friends Andromeda and Rob's wedding. It was actually the second song I wrote for them, because well, sometimes I can get a little obsessive and the first one, while fine, didn't seem to really NAIL IT. It was a sweet little diddy about how love makes a good life great. Yeah, okay, fine. The thing was though, I kept getting this NIGGLY feeling that it wasn't enough. They were committing to MORE than just holding hands and drinking soda through a straw. They were making a family together and it just seemed like it needed more.

I had a boyfriend say to me once that when people commit to getting married they aren't saying "I'll love you forever and ever." They are really saying, "I will TRY to love you forever and ever." I think that is what commitment is to some extent in the long run--you are committing to SHOW UP and TRY no matter what. So I wanted a song that embodied that. I wanted a song that didn't say "I will love you forever," I wanted a song that said "Even when it gets totally hard and things fall apart, I am going to try anyway."

As a little songwriter's note--this tune came to me pretty quickly, but the sweeping tone and lovely-dovey-ness of it made me feel like I was eating butter and sugar straight from the bowl. I am not one to get MUSHY in songs, but I remember what singer songwriter Rose Polenzani said to me once, "Don't ever throw anything away because it doesn't sound like 'you.' Maybe it will sound like somebody else and they can sing it for you." So with that in mind, I thought even if it isn't for me, maybe FAITH HILL would sing it. So I finished it and I am so glad I did. When I played it for the Maid of Honor, my friend Judy, she said, "That song makes me glad I know you." Best compliment EVER. Faith Hill can SUCK IT.

Newsflash!

I am still in my pajamas and it's 4:45pm.

(This could either be a good thing or a bad thing.)

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all the mamas in my life--you do so much!

It Was Perfect

I was looking for something in one of my old journals this morning and I came upon this page. I love this quote--I think I got it from Jeff Pitcher's blog. It seemed only too apt as I was looking through a journal from 4 years ago, a time where I was battling the feeling of being utterly screwed most of the time. Of course, now that I feel utterly screwed only SOME of the time, I can appreciate the struggle and see that it always was perfect. It made me return to the day I am having RIGHT NOW with a deeper appreciation.

I love that photo of my brother, Luke. He was running with his tongue out to literally TASTE the ocean air in Santa Cruz. Tasting the moment and totally enjoying it.

Two Lightbulbs Are Better Than One

Yesterday I sent in a short story to my writing group, with clenched teeth, with the subject line "It is What it is." I complained to Graham about the story, and he said, "Remember, this is your work and you are DOING IT."

Ah yes, wise husband, you are so right.

It was just a year ago that I still wished I was writing fiction regularly--something I used to do in my blazing youth. I wanted to get back to it--and now here I am regularly finishing short stories and actively working on them with yes, some frustration, but most of all joy. I really love writing, and I had forgotten what it was like to sink into a world that you create on your own--and to COMPLETE it. What helped me get back into it was joining a writing group. We meet once a month and since there are six of us, we each submit every other month--so it's just enough time to give us each some time and space, but it also keeps us each working. I can't express how much I needed this and LOVE IT.

I used to be a very solitary artist--I was fiercely independent and I didn't want other people in on my work. It somehow fed the fiery belief that I was REAL and ORIGINAL and DEEP (oh yes, that argument again). Yet, as I've gotten older, and realized the things I actually WANT in my life, I was feeling increasingly isolated and stuck in my own vacuum. I wasn't getting as much done as I wanted and I was also getting STUCK in my head about the IDEA of being an artist and not so much being an ACTIVE artist. The reality is, I needed accountability, a schedule, and most of all, I needed people to get things done.

I recently began a group with 3 other women who were interested in accomplishing goals and working on making creative changes in their lives. It took awhile to get off the ground--we needed to set strict guidelines and it took a few meetings to discover what the guidelines needed to be. Then, finally, the last meeting we met, with our guidelines in place, it seemed to CLICK. When we all stated and wrote down our goals for our next meeting I felt this swell of inspiration--not just for my own goal, but for the other 3 women's goals. We were all in it TOGETHER. I felt a part of something real and tangible and I think they felt it too.

I've had an artistic dream for years (that I am not ready to share here in specifics), but I never knew how to go about doing it. Then my friend Jose, "out of the blue," asked me if I ever thought about doing that specific dream. I was stunned. He also had a creative dream that jived with mine and so, for the last 4 months, we have been meeting regularly to work on it.

What does it all this mean? OTHER PEOPLE HELP. I think the creative blog world is a great example of people wanting to REACH OUT and create TOGETHER. I also think that's why people seek out life coaches or take classes. For me, I needed the flesh and blood angle of face to face meeting. When I first heard about this amazing group, I was so jealous, which told me that I was lonely for other active artists and people who wanted to get stuff done. Community matters. It can be the difference between WISHING and DOING. Having real life people you work with and work for is a powerful tool. It gets it OUT of your head and into the REAL world. Suddenly, you're in CAHOOTS withs someone and I love sharing this experience in the real time of my life.

Now you'll have to excuse me, I got some other stuff to do. Some people are counting on it.

Coronado

Oh my goodness, it turned out to be the RIGHT California to visit after all. I had such a GOOD TIME seeing my cousins and aunts and uncles and my grandpa, I was SO SAD to leave. First of all, let me just note that next to the New York airports I am used to, San Diego's airport is like an ashram in remote India! It is SO CHILL and quiet and easy to navigate. The moment I got off the plane the clear skies and sweet air hit me and I couldn't believe how BEAUTIFUL it was.

After a sweet visit with my grandpa, I walked to the beach and sat in front of the Pacific and just drank it all in.

Both my parents' families settled in the area, so I used to spend every summer of my life on Coronado. It was a fantastic place to be during the summer. If my cousins weren't already staying at my grandparents' house with me, they were down the street at my aunt & uncles. I used to stay barefoot for two whole months, running up and down the street and walking the blocks to the beach EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was HEAVEN.

Graham called me while I was still at the beach and asked me, "So are you FILLED with nostalgia?" I said, "Honey, I am DROWNING in it!"

I was the first of the out of towners to arrive and so I got some good visiting time with my grandpa, who with the upcoming marriage of another granddaughter was ALSO drowning in nostalgia. I got to hear about his childhood in Salem, Indiana, and his inspiration from Charles Lindbergh to start flying, and his courtship with my grandmother, and many other stories he seemed eager to talk about. I loved hearing about all of it and it was good that I came early because the next day was WEDDING DAY,and the household became like a kind of epicenter of activity and shuttles and relatives coming and going and dresses being ironed.

My camera gave up the ghost moments before my cousin Jessica walked down the isle in her blond and bronzed glory. She is a private stewardess, and so were all her bridesmaids. They all walked down the isle like gorgeous models for some shampoo or beauty product that I wanted to go out and BUY IMMEDIATELY. It was a fun wedding filled with slide shows and heartfelt funny toasts, and gardenias, and three kinds of cake. Oh yeah, and because Graham wasn't there, I got hit on so HARD by a relative of a relative that I ended up switching tables. Such EXCITEMENT!

I am having my usual CALIFORNIA-FAMILY pangs returning back to New York. I guess it isn't such a bad thing to have so many people in so many places and such a large state to love. When I left, my grandpa said, "But I never got to tell you about my wedding day with your grandma. Be sure to come back while I can still speak!" If it was up to me, I'd say, "See you next weekend."

The Very Best of a Place

Goodness, I am homesick for California today. I don't know why particularly--maybe it's because my friends are going through some heavy stuff and I wish I was there physically. Maybe it's because when you think of mortality, you think in terms of the VERY BASICS of what you'd want to have around you and for me, that would include all my favorite people (and maybe a good movie or two or three). Don't get me wrong--springtime in New York is nothing short of MAGIC, but today I wish I could see the Pacific and eat a really good, cheap burrito, and maybe visit the San Gregorio General Store and try on hats.

When you visit a place you see the VERY BEST of it. I know when I lived in the Bay Area and the South Bay I was FILLED with complaints: you have to drive everywhere, it' so spread out, no urgency, people don't seem motivated to do stuff, etc. etc. Of course, as I look from the East Coast I see Highway One, cypress trees, beautiful, clean San Francisco, Kirstin and Tom's house at dinnertime, Paul and Todd's house in the morning, & Sara and Brian's apartment anytime. I see my brother and sister in Golden Gate Park, I see sour dough bread, I see Artichoke soup at Duarte's! I see Mint Chocolate Chip shakes at the Peninsula Creamery! DANG! I know if and when we move from Brooklyn, there will be A ZILLION things I will miss about living here, so I best just ROLL IN the pleasures while I can.

As it happens I am flying to a different California tomorrow. I am flying to Southern California to be at my cousin Jessica's wedding (yay Jess!), which also has some wonderful parts to it, but it isn't the part that I'm missing. Still, I'll take what I can get!

BLOGGY INDIE EXPERIENCE!

Rosa Murillo a very gifted painter, guerilla artist, and all around great gal also just HAPPENS to make excellent instructional videos. I feel so lucky that she also included some of MY MUSIC in her videos. It's like a REAL BLOGGY INDIE EXPERIENCE!