Female Talk

So, as I revealed this weekend, I am about 3 months into a new project. That project being pregnancy. And of course there is a story and I want to tell it, but if you get squeamish at words like "cycle" or "birth control" or even "ovary," feel free to tune in later, when such unmentionables will be a little less FRONT and CENTER.

First things first, I should tell you right now I really hate the term "trying," as in "We are trying for a baby." When people tell me they are trying, I think: I just imagined you having a lot of dry, passionless sex. This may not be true of 'trying,' but it's just an association I have. People ask us if we were trying to get pregnant. Let's just say we took off the breaks, but didn't do much else in terms of planning. I had enough worries. In 2002 I had surgery where I ended up having an ovary removed due to a severe case of Endometriosis. In the following years, if I wanted to have kids and no more surgeries, my job was to guard my remaining ovary with everything I had. The first step was to be on the pill 24/7--so I never had a cycle and the ovary could be "given a rest." For some people, birth control pills are no big deal. They enhance their lives, their skin, and give a sense of freedom that all of us should feel free to enjoy. I am not one of those people. When I was 22 I got on some birth control pills that made me nauseas and moody and so I went to Planned Parenthood to get some birth control counseling and when I discovered what the pill ACTUALLY does--which is to take away your cycle entirely--I got thoroughly creeped out. I have been shocked that so many women who take the pill don't KNOW this. They think the pill "regulates" them--but they don't understand that the period they have at the end of the month is simply a withdrawal symptom from the hormone drug they have been taking for the last 3 weeks. If you skipped the little white placebo pills, you wouldn't have a "period" AT ALL. As someone who believes that my cycle is something inherently IMPORTANT, the pill was never for me. So, you can imagine the irony when the ONLY thing I could do to keep the disease at bay was to go on the pill and NEVER GO OFF. Just to bring the message home further, the first dose of pills spiked my depression that I was suffering at the time and gave me insomnia and suicidal thoughts (that was fun). The second kind I took didn't give me emotional problems, but it was awhile before I realized that they were giving me migraines 2-3 times a week. Yeah, like I said, the pill is not a great system for me.

Anyway, it was all in the name of building a fortress of solitude and rest for the last ovary. I did a lot of non medical things to help too--like therapy, acting on my ideas and dreams and creativity, all of which I wholeheartedly believe are connected to the health of our bodies. The result was that I never needed another surgery--which considering the severity of my case in 2002 is kind of amazing. In the meantime, I met the love of my life, shacked up with him, got married, and started to think about THAT FAMILY THANG. I had a lot of mixed messages from doctors. I had some positive (Abby at Planned Parenthood, I STILL love you!) reassurances and then some NOT so reassuring news. My current gynecologist said to me when we first met and I told her we were thinking of having a family, "You're 36 and you have endometriosis! Hello! You should have been trying to have a baby the DAY after your surgery." Um, THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A DRY HUSK WHO MADE THE "MISTAKE" OF FALLING IN LOVE TWO YEARS TOO LATE. When discussing my migraines with my neurologist, she said, "Are you SURE you want to try to have kids? It may take awhile or you may not be able to have one at all." I tip my hat to you all, medical professionals.

The point is, I went off birth control and 4 months later was pregnant. It shocked the hell out of me. I was expecting at least a year. I had told myself to not even worry about it for a year. All my close friends who had babies seemed to have gotten pregnant fairly easily and considering my history, I didn't think that wasn't going to be in the cards for us. Think again, my friend!

While I was in Paris I was a few days late, but I didn't think much of it. When we got to the Hague to see our friends Vitali and Ragnar, I got REALLY SICK and couldn't keep anything down. Graham finally said, "Let's take a test." So he and Ragnar went out to the pharmacy to rangle an early pregnancy test. There is something really endearing about your husband and a gay man buying an early pregnancy test for you. Ragnar, who is Dutch, had to read the instructions and the transelate them for me. I put my hand on his shoulder and said with all the sincerity in the world, "I have never felt closer to you." It was a big fat positive.

Some things people don't ever talk about when you find out you are pregnant: the ABSOLUTE FEAR you can experience and THE GRIEF. I had always imagined finding out I was pregnant the way you do in the movies. You and your partner are GIDDY and CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT. You are also MOVED beyond words! Well, the reality for me is that I had about a 2 week period where I cried my eyes out almost every day because I was so scared and sad about the life that was ending to make room for this new person. I am feeling a bit more at peace with this, (and way more excited) but initially, I was pretty out of my mind with worry and grief. I mean, I love my relationship with my husband. I like US. Bringing someone else into US scared me--how will we change? Will we never be as close to each other again? And then, there's the whole artist/creativity side of me that is going to have to SHIFT. I won't have as much time as I do now and I don't know many other women who are artists and mothers. Of course, they are out there (and you know who you are!), but I don't know many others closely who are daily artist types. If any of you who read my blog are mothers and artists have any thoughts on this, PLEASE DROP ME A LINE and tell me how it goes for you. I am not kidding. I need some tribe wisdom! Maybe because most people tell the world around them 12 weeks or after, we miss out on the whole fear and grief part of people's pregnancy story. My friend Sara was the only one to mention something like that to me and when I was deep in the throws of fear I remembered this and CALLED HER IMMEDIATELY. Man, that was one of the smartest things I've done. I felt instantly normalized.

One movie-like reality that did hold true for me: When I heard the heartbeat for the first time I had to wince away the tears. That's a PERSON in there, people! I know people who this pregnancy thing came easily to, and others who had to go to great lengths--either way, it's a friggn' miracle and it's WEIRD. We ALL start out this way--little grains of rice that take shape in the dark. Somehow we know how to do it. I am hoping that I remember a little of this spirit in myself as changes happen and develop.