A Good Choice

Well, it finally happened: my job and I broke up. More accurately, I broke up with my job. I quit. I had one anxiety attack too many and I realized that I didn't make that much money and even if I did it wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth what I've been feeling for the last 6 weeks continuously and off and on for the last two years. The fear of losing the security in the face of all my recent developments and changes was making me fight what was only a matter of time in coming anyway. My fear was PERPETUATING the struggle instead of making good choices on my own behalf. I felt great when I quit. Now? Well, check with me in an hour. Or five minutes. My attitude and optimism has ADD. I feel like a neon sign flashing erratically: off on off on.

This has got to be one of the weirdest and most unsettling times in my life. I literally saw NONE of this coming when I got on a plane for Paris two months ago. I have to admit that while in Paris I had the distinct feeling I was at the end of something. I wrote it down in my journal, that the trip had the air of something being completed and tied up. At the time I thought it was just the end of all those years of yearning, and then when I found out I was pregnant I thought A-HA! THAT'S IT. But even that wasn't all of it. I went into work a couple days later and immediately more was waiting for me. And here I am in this weird land that is my unrecognizable life.

I am one of those people who believes in messages from the Universe and I have got my ear cocked to the air awaiting some DEFINITIVE UTTERANCE. I am still waiting to see what NEW THING is trying to be BORN. The good news is I have been working hard all this time. I have learned already how to live in a recession (it's always a recession at my house). As a result, I can buy myself some time. I also have things happening on the horizon. It could be worse--A LOT worse. I have a little more time at my job--until the end of next week. A paycheck until the middle of July. I have health insurance until August and then Graham's school plan will hopefully kick in. And if it doesn't, New York State will help out until it does. We are going to be okay. I have to believe it. And if I still get worried all I have to do is think about the way it felt to get up in the morning to go to my job. Remembering THAT helps. Believe me when I tell you, it was a good choice, people. I'll take this uneasiness over THAT feeling.