What Not To Say

I went to see Mary Gaitskill read at KGB Bar last night. There are few people I still have mild rock star groupie feelings for and Gaitskill is one of them. Her novel Veronica rocked my world. It was one of those novels that made me realize that I had been reading JUST OKAY books for years. It was delicious to read with phrases that made my hair stand on end. It made me believe in writing again. After I was done reading it, I had to sit with it, and resist the urge to MAKE OUT with the book. It was that good.

Gaitskill's work is very intense, and I'd heard a few stories about her that gave me the impression that she was equally intense in person. My first view of her (TWO SEATS AWAY!) with the shock of white hair and her very hard looking face added to that impression. She got up to read from her new collection, Don't Cry and held the room mesmerized by her quiet voice and expert reading.

Afterwards, I was trying to GET UP THE GUTS to say something to her. A few people straggled in and got their books signed by her and I sat there (TWO SEATS AWAY) humming, awaiting both the window and courage to get up and greet her. My friends went to the bathroom, my friends came back. Still no window. I secretly hoped there wouldn't be one, so I said to my companions, "It doesn't look like there is going to be a free moment, let's go." Of course, my friend Jeff then pointed towards the table and the seat next to her was empty. GAH! So I bit the bullet and approached her and said the following rushed dialogue as she stared at me like I was an alien from outer space, that she was familiar with, but had learned to, say, TOLERATE:

"Um, hi Mary, I wanted to say something to you before we went off to dinner. You are one of my favorite writers, your work means so much to me. Veronica IS A VERY POWERFUL FORCE IN MY LIFE."

huh?

A very powerful FORCE in my life? For the rest of the entire evening I kept repeating that in my head: A very powerful FORCE in my life A very powerful FORCE in my life A very powerful FORCE in my life A very powerful FORCE in my life.

WTF??

I did not mean to say that. That is not what was in my brain. I made it sound like I carry Veronica like my own personal Bible, maybe even around my neck, while it actively INFLUENCES my DAY TO DAY LIFE. Yeah, that's cool. That's totally what I meant to say to Mary Gaitskill.

Luckily, I was wearing my felt necklace, and after she stared me down and said, "Oh. Thank you," she said, "Can I touch your necklace?" HELL YES, PLEASE DO. ANYTHING for someone who's book is a VERY POWERFUL FORCE IN MY LIFE. You got it. And she reached out and pressed at the felt and seemed very happy. So other people at the table wanted to touch my felt necklace, so I leaned forward and Mary Gaitskill even chuckled and that was enough to get me out of the room and out back into the normal world.