Status Anxiety Attack

I had an experience recently where I got an attack of the jealousies so bad upon reading a blog that it caused me to pause. Jealousy is never fun and admitting it here causes some vulnerability, but let's face it, I am NOT the first person to ever experience this painful emotion, especially in the blogosphere. I know the drill about jealousy: it's a map to where I want to go, it's part of the process, etc etc. Yeah, yeah BLECH! It SUCKS to feel jealousy. It's embarrassing. Especially of the magnitude that I felt it this week. It was like an earthquake or a case of an exploding organ, like appendicitis. I should have been RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL and had my INFESTED JEALOUSY surgically removed STAT. It wasn't pretty.

I'll admit it, I've been a little mopey lately. Grumpy and unispired might be another way to describe it. As a result, I think I've been reading more blogs and spending more time on the internet as a way to feel somehow connected, less isolated and more inspired. Let's face it: things are little FUNKY right now. For the first time in 4 years I am outside a regular job, add to this being pregnant, in the midst of the dead feeling of summer, feeling isolated, and dealing with a large amount of uncertainty. Can you see why escapism might have been a LITTLE tempting? But here's the problem: the internet is really just an interactive TV. I can lose hours to it if I am not careful and for what? So I can go to sleep mentally or get high on inspiration, but not act on it? Except of course when it's been a vehicle for comparison, insecurity, and jealousy. Oh darn.

The philosopher Alain de Botton calls comparison and insecurity "Status Anxiety" and he points out that the people that most trigger status anxiety in us, are the ones that are MOST LIKE US. That's why high school reunions can be so painful or why young writers fixate on other young writers (or women artists on other women artists). Think about the people you are most jealous of: don't they have some things in COMMON with you? This can be tricky because some of the blogs I read are BECAUSE I feel like I relate to them--but (oh the irony) they can be some of the BIGGEST TRIGGERS of my status anxiety.

When I awoke the next day from my jealousy attack, feeling weary and gutted, it occurred to me that maybe (ahem) this was a wake up call. I obviously was UNBALANCED. The ferocity of my emotions upon reading the good depicted by this blogger was an indicator of something very OFF in my psyche. I realized it was time to REDIRECT my attentions. It was time to reengage in my own REAL life instead of projecting my living on a bunch of websites.

Escapism is fine and dandy, but when it gets compulsive it ALWAYS HAS A HANGOVER. I've needed to pull back away from the ledge a bit. I've been writing lists of things that HAVE been giving me joy lately. Every time I get that urge to check in or see on what other bloggers and artists have been doing, I say to myself: STOP! What CAN I do? I've also un-bookmarked a few blogs that I need an outright break from. If you're trying to get sober, you don't keep booze on hand. It's slow going, but so worth it. My life matters, no matter the current status.