Bringing Me to My Knees

All through my pregnancy everyone made comments about the lack of sleep I would soon be facing. It seemed the SUBJECT that was at the tip of every parents mind. GET READY everyone said, STORE UP NOW (as if you could), JUST YOU WAIT, YOU'LL NEVER SLEEP IN THIS TOWN AGAIN, etc. etc. Among all these voices of nudging me towards a life with a newborn, however, there was not a SINGLE PEEP about something else that had the potential to not only be difficult, but TERRIFYINGLY difficult. Not a single person mentioned breastfeeding.

I was on the phone with a pregnant friend about a week after I gave birth and she was asking HOW IS IT? She might as well have been asking "Now that you live on Mars, how's the scenery?" I thought I'd better let her know what I somehow missed on the newborn lecture, so I told her about how breastfeeding was BRINGING ME TO MY KNEES. She said, "Gosh, that's what so many of my friends have said, but can I ask you something? Do you have nipples?"

Yes, I have nipples. I know what she was thinking. I was thinking the same thing before birth: have nipples, will breastfeed. But at the point of the phone call, my equipment was BEING RIPPED TO SHREDS and I was in AGONY.

And that was the EASY part.

The hard part (then) was getting my milk to come in, and not knowing that it really hadn't. Here I was CRYING OUT, white knuckled from the pain of Gus latching on, "feeding" my newborn. Only I wasn't. His diapers stayed dry and clean until a horrible pink orange stain appeared in his diaper. We frantically called the emergency pediatrician, because isn't it great to have a crisis on the weekend of Christmas when no one is available? Over the phone, he told us that Gus was probably so dehydrated his pee had CRYSTALLIZED and we needed to start supplementing with formula NOW until my milk came in. Great. So not only was I in great physical pain, but my baby wasn't even benefiting. He was actually SUFFERING and I had to do that HORROR of HORRORS for anyone who believes in BREAST IS BEST and feed him FORMULA from A BOTTLE.

Yeah, that was a fun and totally a self-esteem building event.

After about two days of pumping and supplementing, my milk seemed to build and Gus went off the bottle. I had about ten days of getting better at breastfeeding. One boob didn't hurt, the other still did, but I could sometimes get him to latch on correctly. My milk seemed to flow and his diapers were running over! Things were moving forward! The villagers cheered! The kingdom lived happily ever after until...

Last friday all hell broke loose. My milk levels suddenly dropped and Gus suddenly wouldn't latch on--at all. He'd try, get utterly insulted, flail around and then SCREAM HIS HEAD OFF. I kept stopping to calm him and then trying again to no avail. So what's a new mother with a history of dehydrating her newborn do? I PANICKED. I felt like a total failure as I made another bottle of formula and tried to soothe my hungry child. Once again, on a holiday weekend (thanks MLK Day!) we couldn't get in person help. I talked to two lactation consultants over the phone. One said to get a nipple shield and to call other lactation consultants. The other said she'd see us on Tuesday. So we got the nipple shield, which is annoying as hell, but Gus latched onto it. I just couldn't be sure he was getting enough milk. So for four days I pumped like mad to no avail, tried going without a bottle, only to give in and feel inadequate all over again.

It didn't help that the majority of people who I talked to's biggest problem with breastfeeding was an overabundance of milk. If one more person says to me, "Oh I remember the pain. I had to go into the shower and just let the milk RUN," I'll maim myself. No offense to those who are well endowed milk wise, but right now you make me so jealous and filled with yearning, pain, and panic that talking to you is like being stamped with a big red badge that says NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

The thing about having problems with breastfeeding is that it's not only a problem of the basic survival of your child, but that you get to experience the problem and the anxiety attached to it EVERY TWO HOURS. It's never just a single moment, it's a moment that just keeps coming and will keep coming. You want to talk desperate? You want to talk despair? BARGAINING? I have not reached acceptance yet.

We met with the consultant this week (who was AWESOME) and who gave us a plan to adhere to for the time being. She also helped confirm a suspicion that Gus' sucking has gotten weaker. (You see, here is my point: WHO KNEW that babies could SUCK at sucking? Isn't that THEIR JOB?) So in addition to a plan for increasing milk supply and managing feedings, she gave us an exercise to help him get back up on sucking.

What I don't understand through all this is why I spent 6 weeks in classes preparing for something that lasted just under 3 hours for me (the birth), while I had little to NO preparation for the potentially problematic and ONGOING experience of what came after. Sure, I took a breastfeeding class...when I was SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT. What kind of DUMB ASS plan was that? Why educate women HOW to breastfeed with DOLLS when they haven't even experienced a BRAXTON HICKS contraction, much less a new, helpless creature who is utterly dependant on you for nourishment at ALL TIMES? I barely remember any of it now as I weather the utter SHOCK of how hard it actually is for me. I feel a little bit like a bride who planned and planned for the wedding, but never prepared for the MARRIAGE.

Right now lack of sleep on its own seems UTTERLY QUAINT compared to the terror of my child being not able to feed. Well, at least there's one LESS thing to worry about. Sleep can take a backseat for the time being. After this, it will feel like EASY STREET.

Everything You Didn't Want To Know About Strollers*

*(and it didn't occur to you to ask)

Thanks to the unbelievable generosity of several family members, Graham just finished puting together our new stroller. It is easily the nicest thing in our home and I hope it won't give our newborn son any ideas, because after this it's pretty much DOWN HILL from here.

Even after I got pregnant strollers were not anything I uh, EVER thought about. Yeah, I figured we'd get one, but probably one of the CHEAPEST and DINKIEST one you could find. Think the canvas or nylon cloth sling on some sticks with wheels model. Then we went to my grandpa's 90th birthday and my cousin wheeled up with her 10 day old daughter in the CADILLAC of strollers. Again, didn't really notice the stroller. I was kind of preoccupied with the (ahem) BABY in the stroller. But somehow someone brought it up. I think it might of have been my cousin who showed us how HIGH TECH it was--the seat could SWIVEL in a CIRCLE so no matter where you were standing or sitting, YOU didn't have to move in order to tend to the baby. It had cup holders and bag holders and all kinds of CONTRAPTIONS. I thought it was funny and impressive in that vague way that new fancy things can be, but I have never been a GEAR HEAD. You want to see my eyes GLAZE over? Start talking about ANY gear stuff: computers, instruments, ANYTHING. Sure, I use these things, but I don't get into the THING of it. I think I have frustrated many gear minded musician boys, who upon hearing that I played a Martin guitar wanted to know immediately the model and make. I still couldn't tell you and it's only because I DON'T CARE. Does it sound good? Does it please me? That's enough info for me.

After seeing Jess' stroller, my aunts started asking me what kind of stroller WE thought we would get. I said probably the sling and stick model. It was practical for us not only because it was CHEAP, but it was small and compact and light--perfect for subway travel. Jess' stroller might have been nice, but it was a BEAST. Good for car living, absolutely a nightmare for hauling up and down stairs in the subway. My aunt Liz said, "You need one with good wheels," and my aunt Debbie said, "You need one that is going to last." In my mind I dismissed a lot of it because who could afford one of those mega strollers and who wanted to SPEND the money?

When I got home there was a message from my aunt Debbie that we should go pick out "the stroller of our dreams" because my aunts wanted to gift us with one. AWWWWW! *So kind* and wonderful of them, but what if I don't have a STROLLER OF MY DREAMS? I put it to the side of my mind and thought, that is so nice, and we'll deal with it later. Shopping for gear isn't at the top of my list either.

Strangely, the random phone calls started coming in from various family members. So what about the stroller they wanted to know. What are you going to do about it? While I couldn't have cared less, it turned out that strollers were ON A LOT OF PEOPLE'S MINDS. It was my sister-in-law Coreen that actually made me WANT to think about strollers. She informed me that she went through THREE of those cheapy cloth and stick models. The wheels don't last, I guess. AND then she also reminded me how STOOPED OVER Graham was when she and her daughter Lauren visited. Graham is 6 foot 4 and the height of the handles really mattered. So I started to make a mental list of criteria for our stroller: must be lightweight, compact, easy to store, have good wheels, and be tall enough for my husband. Okay, check. Armed with this info, I felt I could find something nice and useful to get thanks to my sweet aunties.

Then the plans for the baby shower kicked in and it was leaked by a well meaning family member that my mom was launching plans to buy us a stroller. I thought, WTF is up with the STROLLER? WHY is THIS the gift that everybody wants to give? We also needed a CRIB, but no one was volunteering for that! Why is the stroller a SEXY number? I got very nervous because my mom and I have a PRICKLY relationship and while I wanted to absolutely honor her incredibly generous efforts to do something nice for us, she often times has ideas that are GREAT in her mind, but not absolutely APPROPRIATE for our needs. Since we also had some SPECIFIC needs for a stroller and the aunts were already booked to get it for us, I had to make a phone call. The VERY DELICATE phone call to try to aikido my mom out of buying us an expensive, unusable gift.

She wasn't pleased. Some words were said about how shitty I am to get a present for and how unfun and that's why she hated doing things for me. My present to her was to not argue and realize that extravagant and generous gift ideas die hard. I genuinely hated taking the wind out of her sails, but I also needed to ORGANIZE and be PRACTICAL about what our needs were. When you live in a small apartment and travel solely on foot and public transportation, these things matter. We didn't want just STUFF to have STUFF. Everything needed to have a place.

There was more gifting drama/confusion and in the end my mom did end up getting us the stroller, along with the aunts, uncles, and in-laws. When we FINALLY went shopping for one, it was like entering some WEIRD status world. I saw a woman swaddling a newborn to her chest, and bolting for a row of strollers, with a wild excited look in her eyes, while her husband and a salesman trailed her. Her husband said to the salesman, "ANYTHING she wants, SHE GETS, okay?" I guess strollers are the SUV of the baby world. I stood in the store and said GET ME OUT OF HERE.

We finally picked one out and it really IS nice. It will also act as a bassinet on wheels, so there you have it for a multi-purpose gift! My favorite kind! The quality is so good that we plan on making it last as long as we can. I am thinking college. We will wheel him off like the best of them.