Reasons to do a zine and give it away via the internet

Don't you just love REAL MAIL? Seriously--how often do you get juicy packages or illustrated letters or postcards or exciting things that AREN'T credit card offers and student loan bills? I think mail is MAGIC. Thanks to some exciting trades (my favorite currency), I have gotten some amazing stuff in the mail as of late. Incredible zines and some amazing PAPER. I got the above paper squares all the way from Oregon (Thank you LEX!). Graham picked them up, immediately counted them and said, "This is the exact amount we need for wedding invitations." Oh, REALLY?

Any of you creatives out there get married yet? I've realized that as a creative type I can be CONTROLLING and OPINIONATED and (ahem) a PERFECTIONIST when it comes to the aesthetics of a wedding--even a barn raising, funky wedding like the one we are planning. The invites have been causing me stress because they are the VISUAL aspect of our party, and HELLO? I am a VISUAL-ITE. I wanted to do something cool and arty, and cheap, but nothing seemed to work.

It turns out these squares of gorgeousness and creativeness were EXACTLY what we needed. My mom keeps asking me, "What's the theme of the wedding? There needs to be a THEME." This coming from a woman who had a wedding that consisted of passing a cup of wine around a circle of mostly dressed (but not all) on a golden hillside in California. My response has always been, "Um, random. How's random as a theme?" Other responses that come to mind are "chaos" or "creative" (another word for chaos, by the way). We are totally ripping off Ariel & Andreas' idea to have our guests drink from second hand mugs, to symbolize the funky tribe of individuals that make up OUR PEOPLE. As soon as Graham pointed out that the squares would be a good invite I realized that they go with the mugs! None two are the same! They are colorful! Flavorful! and they hint at the COLOR that will be infused throughout. I still don't know what our "theme" is--unless, maybe it's "FUNKY," but if you saw the guest list, you'd think that was appropriate. Funky is a word for it, and so is colorful.

If anybody wants to TRADE FOR A ZINE instead of paying money for it, let me know. I am totally DOWN with it.

Bridentity Crisis

This weekend my mother said to me, "I hope you don't become a BRIDEZILLA on me." When I asked her what that looked like she told me of the CAUTIONARY TALE of her best friend, Fern, becoming a Bridezilla. My mom was setting up the tables and chairs at Fern's wedding and Fern came in and said, "Bee! Don't be moving those tables and chairs with your bad back!" Then (are you READY?) she left the room. I was waiting for some sort of CAT FIGHT or TEARS at least, but it turns out all you have to be to be a NIGHTMARE IN A VEIL is to say "Don't do that."

I am SCREWED, people.

I am having, what Ariel coined, a Bridentity Crisis except it's the exact opposite of what she termed it be. I don't have a problem with people only considering me as a bride, and not an individual. I feel like I am getting messages of "We're so EXCITED for you, but don't you DARE get excited about it too! It's just NOT THAT COOL."

Why am I ashamed to say that I can't wait to to look pretty, to eat good cake, and then spend my life with a guy that kicks so much ass it should be illegal? Why am I ashamed for having opinions about our wedding at all?

Part of this is that Graham is not excited about a wedding. For good reason too--it requires money or favors or both. It also requires logistical planning, something he LOATHES with every fiber of his being. He also hates being the center of attention. Something (cough) that I don't have as much of a problem with. So, it's been a dance to even discuss the planning at all.

Another part of it is that for some of my family it's hard celebrating other people. Don't be too happy! It will just make you seem SHALLOW and a FREAK.

Then there's just plain old me. I worry that my excitement of having a wedding and wanting to get married makes me less independent and individualistic. Yet, it's true, I LIKE planning a big old party where I'll get to see people I love, and dance to Al Green and Tom Waits, and (yes) wear a pretty dress, and eat the best chocolate cake in the whole world. I worry that even wanting to get married is not hip. I may not be taking his name, but I do want to wear Graham's ring. Is that SO WRONG?

I just wish I felt more COMFORTABLE in the role. I want to run with it, freely, not like I've been doing, with my head ducked, so no one can see the secret white lace trailing from my head. I want to let my freaky bride flag fly. I want to get married and I want to have fun doing it. After all, it's a FRIGGN' LEAP OF FAITH, and we should have PARTIES for ALL our leaps of faith! They are brave acts! So why do I still feel guilty?

Ah, Yes, the Joyous Event

OMG! THANK YOU ALL for all your words of congrats and good wishes! It really means a lot! Seriously, what a wonderful world it is when you are greeted so warmly.

It's been an interesting voyage ALREADY since we announced our engagement. Like so many big life events, there is already trepedition and worry and stress being expressed by many people about what shall now be referred to as THE WEDDING (trademark pending). A Lot of people have opinions. A lot of people are scared. I know that weddings, while widly considered joyous events, are also a pain in the ass, and for most of the participants and many attendees, they are a subject of much griping. Believe me, as someone who has already planned an aborted wedding, been a bridesmaid a few times, and attended several, I know what a wedding can produce in the way of neurosis and baggage. On the other side of it, I've also witnessed great miracles of tansendence on wedding days.

Still, if I had the money, I wouldn't hire a wedding planner, I'd hire a THERAPIST to be on hand for the entire process. There's no getting beyond THE FEELINGS weddings produce. Relatively sane people can be reduced to raging puddles of insecurities, while borderline types should be kept away from sharp objects and gun cabinets. When you have a patchwork family, made up of people who aren't necessarily pleased they are still sewn together, it gets, shall we say, INTERESTING. Interesting is one way to put it, CERTAFIABLY TOUCHY is another.

We are getting married IN A YEAR, and already there are (cough) CONCERNS. Why spend money on a wedding at all? Why have an event that just stirs the shizzle? Why not just elope? All good questions. Yet, I want one--even if it's rickety and taped together and totally coming apart at the seams. I mean, how great is it that you get to make out with someone in public (to cheering), wear a fun dress, and eat good cake all in one day? Pretty sweet, if you ask me.

Ultimately, the dream for me is to be surrounded by the people I love and the people who have helped bring me to this commitment. I also would love it if the war in Iraq would end, and that the lion would indeed lay down with the lamb, but you must learn to PICK YOUR BATTLES. I say, if it's too much (emotionally and/or financially) for people to come to a wedding, that is absolutely their business and they should not attend. It isn't a jury summons, it's an invitation--so people should be free to come or not.

Then again, there are also some miracles already at work. A friend has already offered to provide a cake AND a possible honeymoon spot (thank you, MINGO!). Don't laugh, but I've already found a wedding dress and it's comfortable and beautiful and CHEAP. Given that it is only week 3, with an entire YEAR to go, it will be interesting to see where all this leads us.

In the mean time, I have appointments with my shrink lined up, an excited happiness still buzzing in my heart, and LOTS OF TIME to keep me going.